The New Year (by sarah)
Last night we went though last years resolutions and formulated this years!
I wrote out a month by month break down of what needs to be done to the house and a week by week one for my work sedule though obviously this became a bit nebulas towards October! Me and Al also wrote out the more traditional personal ones - mostly left overs from last year we noted.
Last years ones here way to ambitous we noted - this got me thinking of my entire mind state this time last year. I dont think it had fully dawned on me how ill I had been of course no one knew how the health matters would go. But I was some how oblivious to this - I was determined that everything was fine - somehow sort of convinced myself that everyone has to deal with this sort of hardship, that crutches and babys are normal etc....
I as sort of manically happy, convinced that if I just carried on thinking positively that that was how things would end up. I was also sort of shell shocked and dazed. Medical routine had some how been ingrained in me and though I had been out of hospital for over three months I was still waking up at the appropriate times for blood pressure and pills to be sorted. It was a strange existance which had me exstatic to be alive and to have my baby. I realise now that I was trying to do too much from word go but it took many tellings off from the physio and the dr. I sort of felt I had to make up for all those weeks in bed doing 'nothing' it didnt occure to me that this wasnt some sort of debt I had to pay off - I'm not entially sure this has got through to me now.
I do feel guilty that Al had to handle all the moving and stuff by himself but it was a lot keener a year ago. I felt I should be helping him and stuff but instead he had to help me everything still - showers, getting dressed - though thanks to social services equipement I had just started to be able to do things like the shower myself. But even here I suffered some sort of acute embarrasment and would try and get all to take all the equipment off when visitors stayed - especially when some had issues with the way the loo was set up!
I wonder if there was some sort of strange pride cuasing a bit of a down fall here - I was struggling to be 'normal' I had sent the wheel chair back before I should have and was attempting huge feets of cooking. I shouldnt have been doing those things at all but I didnt want to appear lazy and I felt that the finacial strain on us was my fualt as somehow it as my fualt I was so ill during the pregnancy etc... Poor Al as orking to stupid hours to repair the damage my health and the move had cuased to the business - something he is still having to do 🙁
It didnt help that some people where also telling me I was lazy and stuff, the fact I had doubled my weight during the pregnancy (on hospital food!) didnt help matters either. I was in a strange place, I had really wanted to go to a new years party but then found the noise and crowd over powering and deafening. I found a party scary! It didnt occure to me that this sort of thing was a reaction to being in a quiet hospital ward - I felt I had been out of the place for a lifetime but in reality I had only been out for a few months - and then I as at a drs sugery or hospital for some sort of treatment at least once a week if they didnt come to see me at the hosue that is.
Its strange that the fear of dying whilst pregnant only really hit me half way through January last year - when my mobility had started to improove and I had a buetiful baby who was no longer a new born. I remeber thinking in causulty when they where sticking electrodes onto me - that I mustnt panic, I mustnt get upset becuase I knew that that would be dangerous. I think that all the fear and panic that I should have felt in those months was so deeply supressed in order to survive that it took months to resurface.
It does seem a little ironic that - I hate and am scared of hospitals and Drs and yet seem to be continually being prodded by them!
This is all so strange looking back on it.
I have tempered my ambitions this year and just hope...
2006 was a wonderfull year in many ways though 🙂
I can survive the dissappointment of not going back to uni just yet - I have many things todo but the focus of this year is going to be our health!
I seriously thought I would be climbing and stuff by now - this time last year! Sigh I think that was definatly wishful thinking.
Still I have hope and so does Al - Jeany is lovely as ever even if the new year has seen her throw her first two tantrums!
Mon 1st Jan 2007 8:01 pm 
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By andyjpb, Thu 4th Jan 2007 @ 11:14 pm
Happy New Year! There's nothing wrong with a bit of ambition! 🙂 You guys have done really well this past year and it's going to get better.
All the best.
Regards, @ndy