Dolly’s Coat of Many Colours and My Party Dress (by sarah)

Sometimes there is a beautiful soul that lights up the world around it - I am sure that most people have heard the news by now of Dolly Parton's passing at the age of 80 - a good age and yet with the strain on the world I could not help but want more. Dolly was a song writer, performer, comedian, savvy business woman and charity worker. I have seen it said that no style of music was untouched by her presence... she built communities and was even important in the scientific sphere, funding research and more.

I used to think declarations of grief for celebrities was stupid, but said so and was rightly told off my friend - a fellow musician and scientist. And that made my own grief for when my celebs started dying easier to bear as I had already faced that demon. Said friend liked Dolly too... (it was Michael Jackson's death I was told off over saying the reactions to were stupid, for those who are interested).

So this is my piece on Saint Dolly, as my mum used to call her:

I have an eclectic taste in music - I always called it random. When I started University I bought three CDs - Red Hot Chilli Peppers' Californication, Guns and Roses, and Dolly Parton. The last two were greatest hits and I had a portable discman which had been playing my friend's CDs all summer but I had to give them back...

I still have Dolly's CD and when Jean was little we found a massive collection of her songs that my mum had, and this was fine until we got to the one called Jeany's Afraid of the Dark... as its about a nightlight put on a grave and as my little Jeany was indeed scared and always had been scared of the dark I just couldn't cope with that song, so tended to stick to the songs I knew after that even though I pretty much loved everything I heard of hers.

As I delved into my own song writing and guitar playing I found Dolly a source of inspiration and frustration! Everything she said was pretty much awesome and the numbers of songs she'd written was mind blowing - as someone was being seen as too prolific in my own writing this made me sigh with relief as poems toppled onto the page.

Dolly wrote over five thousand songs and recorded over a thousand herself. This made my poetry and song writing look like under achieving, and I couldn't help but think about this when I received my bronze medal for a song for the Creative Olympics back in 2012. or when I composed a steampunk shanty on request and when I attended the Song Writers' Circle or when Paul Murphy mentioned me in the same sentence as her.

Her always-onwards attitude helped me when I faced setbacks including losing my voice; she was the biggest musical crossover me and my mum had and dad even liked "some" of her songs. He was more keen on her as an actor - I think it was a boob thing - her and my mum both had massive boobs. In her younger days, mum had even played the guitar and sung - she liked to rewrite pop songs to make them religious - mum was annoyingly good at this.

Dolly represented hope to my mum, whether that when mum was on soup runs for the homeless or when she was helping my diva and queen friends get that Dolly look. Then there was the fact that we used to go to barn dances, there was always a Dolly song there for the line dancing at the very minimum - I was banned from line dancing after an incident in my late teens were my failure to remember which way is left and which way is right and my general clumsy double jointedness (dyspraxia and hypermobility syndrome) resulted in me taking out pretty much the entire dance floor.

Mum got to make tasselled jackets and gingham dresses but that was later - when I was little and just starting school I had all handmade clothes which meant we were poor - it doesn't now, but in the 80's it did and there was a party coming up and I was excited but everyone was talking about their new dresses; and I wore dungarees and tracksuits mainly because I was a tom boy and always climbing things and school didn't have a compulsory uniform, and I had been in trouble every single time I was in a dress because apparently you shouldn't climb trees, or kick the football too high or sit like that in a skirt or dress. So I had cute little matching tops and trousers she'd made me.

But a party was different and on top of that I had started to be bullied for wearing homemade things... but mum was making me a dress... I can not remember which one - was it the one made of worn out velvetine bedding in hot pink that my dad made matching bows for? Or was it the knitted dress created from all the offcut yarn scraps of my nans and aunts (the one a second one of had to be made for my doll)?

I don't know but I was cross and then on the TV came this song and Dolly changed my mind singing about each stitch being made with love and scraps and I became fiercely proud of my dresses and home made things - creating problems for myself by going on and on about it, but I think it was better that way.

It was nothing compared to the kids finding out I got free school meals... Dolly Parton fed kids like me and gave them books and did it internationally and she loved everyone.

So what of the frustration?

Well a) some of her songs.... they might seem simple enough but sometimes that makes it a hell of a lot harder to play and b) I don't tend to have long nails because of playing the guitar and doing practical jobs like ground maintenance on a campsite. When I explained this it was pointed out that Dolly had the longest nails any of us had ever seen 90's and early 00's, and had been a farmer. Of course I have friends who actively grew their nails for guitar playing (one hand only) for plucking. This particular comparison was not helpful but Dolly basically had a pep talk for just finding your own way anyway. And it turns out I just kind of suck at having long nails and that is fine.

The world needs people like Dolly - my eldest bought me the news of her death last night and hadn't realised how old she was because Dolly had seemed so timeless. She was hope and love and will be missed.

For me it was like loosing another part of my mother - Dolly's music, and occasionally aesthetics, were something we shared. I was in many ways the opposite of my mum but not with this. Like Star Trek this was an "us thing". I don't know if the kids remember us all singing and dancing - belting out JOLEEEENE in a way the youngest would announce as "cringe" these days.

RIP Dolly Parton GNU

As sad as this is she was missing her husband so much and no one is truly dead until the last ripple they caused fades, and Dolly made many a splash and some of them pretty big! (Again, probably the boobs).

Dolly also made it OK for me to have big boobs and feel that that was more than OK. Body Positivity where and when it was needed.

I never met Dolly but she had a massive impact on my life and always for the positive.

"Life is like a Butterfly..."

Death Head (by sarah)

For the last year - maybe a little more I have felt that I am dying - I don't mean the ageing existential dread - I mean the feeling that my blood was thickening and clogging, as if it had hooks and barbs, but that if I was to get cut it would just bleed and bleed and bleed, that my heart was struggling with every beat but that there were so many of them that it might explode with the effort instead. My lungs have been fire, my ribs still hurt to breath as if I am breathing nothing but acidic smoke or drowning. My back hurts in new and unexpected places and this dull ache reminds me of the infected kidneys and sure enough my water works are... not right. My head often feels like it is literally being crushed or that ice water and electricity are somehow being poured into the brain casing. Then there are my muscles - so week, and crampy, twisting into painful shapes if not just the extremities going numb or tingling sometimes changing colour to match. My body feels like it has been shutting down whilst running the engine at full throttle. I actually feel like I am vibrating sometimes, my sternum is sore and even between my ribs... if I cough its like there are bands of barbed wire wrapped around too tight. And my eyes feel like they are being pushed out of my head by thumbs pressing in from the inside of my skull. My bones sometimes feel like they are splitting apart and even my teeth and scalp hurt. This is of course all on top of the pain I already had from old injuries, the chronic pain, migraines and the womb of doom.

It feels like I've been dying by degrees. Not helping this is the fact I do also have the existential dread - I have just had two and half years of everyone dying - so so many friends and family and the miscarriages and the almost dying myself. The spring especially this month is particularly horrendous for anniversaries and rememberings - including dad's and of course my last outing before illness and Lockdown was a funeral - the world beyond my door is filled with death.

But the absolute worst thing about all of this is that I can not dismiss it all as a panic attack - I did that in the summer and ended up being rushed into A&E - I am lucky I didn't have a proper heart attack - I am lucky once more to be alive. My heart really is struggling, I have been quiet sick since the miscarriages and then caught flu and/or covid on top. I have had seizures and my eyes are actually being pushed out of my head by the muscles at the back of them inflaming. My blood is clotting in a non good way and then not clotting when I need it to seal a wound. My breathing sucks - I sound like my dad who had COPD. My poor body is being pumped full of adrenaline so it is running at full throttle and it is tired - I am literally shaking myself apart like a poorly maintained piece of machinery.

I spent most of last year being unable to sleep flat due to my lungs and my hair keeps falling out.

I even got new allergies and warning sighs that my body was trying to reject parts of itself - like during my pregnancy with Jean - then there was the yellow skin - to go with the red blotches and weird blisters.

For 3 months last year - starting around now - I could do nothing much other than survive and since then basic parenting and washing myself have kind of taken up ever ounce of energy. My eye sight and hearing have both been affected and this too is not helping - it makes it like the world has receded from me - even with my new awesome glasses - and that is how ill I have been - I haven't even properly shown the world my fabulous sun glasses. I have been unable to write or draw or even craft - I began making tentative steps back to the things I love doing in the autumn but it seems like such a steep climb. Two weeks ago I attempted and completed my first commission since March last year - I managed it - I am starting to fight back - but it is unbelievably hard and I do not know where the bounders lay between physical illness and say - not seeing any of my friends for a year - most of them more than that as my mobility has been shot since the miscarriages.

The kids are helping me - we have started a family art club but I am feeling like the worst fail parent as my 15 yr old cooks food to feed the family whilst attempting GCSEs and the 10 yr old gets into trouble at school because they are obsessed with death and won't shut up about it. They both thought I was going to die and Mary got to see a full blown seizure and didn't know what to do and went to get help but everyone thought they were just doing a please play with me and so she came back and sat in the room telling me to stop and asking if I was ok and it was awful. And the poor Alaric too - they have had to take on everything -- including the basics of looking after my mum and trying to work and fill in the gaps of homeschool I got too tired to do - and there was a lot of it - I fell asleep in Mary's school club zoom. Alaric had the horror of watching me decline once more and feeling that everything is balanced on them and their ability to work and look after and fix and clean the house.

Alaric is somewhat crushed and I am more than aware of this and can do nothing other than attempt to make occasions out of everything. So today I am making a "Fake Away" of the King of the Golden Archers variety - so nuggets and burgers and milkshakes (yes that is me mucking around with the concept of Burger King and McDonalds!). The kids actually like helping with these events and tend to do their chores without arguing and they also know that these things sometimes get postponed if I am too ill - hell Jean got her birthday cake last week - her birthday is in August though Mary's happened on time - though her cake was rock hard in an attempt to make and not buy when too ill to really cook - she loved it and has been eating it with dairy free custard. This is how I fight back - it is a little lame that is true but then I am a lot lame.

But also the last couple of weeks the feeling I was dying started to lift. Obviously the seasons and things are changing so it could be the sunlight - but then I had the summer last year so I don't think it is that - I think that maybe all the medicine and things are working - I am classified as extremely clinically vulnerable and as such have already had my vaccine - I should have had weeks before I did but I got confused as I am trying to deal with 5 peoples worth of appointments and some of the clinics over lap. Three of the household are taking medicine and three are attending clinics - there isn't a complete overlap of the two groups either. Both kids now count as SEN I think and Jean is being supported by young carers.

A phrase keeps getting stuck in my head the Gloucester themed Beatrix Potter story - "I am worn to unravelling" - I am worn to undone - but the fight is on.

I now weigh the most I have ever weighed outside of pregnancy and that is some feet as I lost a couple of stone during the fever etc last year - so my weight has seriously been fluctuating with a 5 stone difference - I realise part of that is the thyroid meds (as in you can lit chart it to the dosage) but a lot is also my mobility (and maybe too many FakeAways coughs) and I was over weight to begin with.

Part of my fight back is trying to exercise - but seriously it is like trying to run a marathon every day when all I am trying to do is get up the stairs :/ but I am currently managing 3 odd km with crutches or half a km on the treadmill with out. I am using gaming (PokemonGo) and bribes (medals) and do gooding (charity challenges (or rather will be for this one)) to get moving again - before they went back to school the kids did PE with Joe with me and we found another youtube who does work outs to musicals (I found these easier to get into than Joes stuff that is obv aimed at the smol peeps).

This week has only involved one lot of blood tests and a panic at remortgaging - I have turned 40 and didn't get to have my big party but I got a purple coffee machine and though I am worried about the amount of waste it produces I have to say it is currently being my go to when things get too hard and it is like having a coffee shop in my home and mum only really likes coffee shop hot drinks anyway... we are struggling in every way except money at the moment - which is weird and I have to say money has definitely made a big difference and I can not lie about that - I have the home coffee shop set up and Netflix and iPlayer and Prime and Crunchy Roll and an epic gaming set up like we have never had before. But I often think that somewhere there is a me - trying to get through all of this without those things - and I have been in that place and in such a place it was impossible for me to fight back and all I could do was survive with lots of help. And so I want to help others - I have been trying - we have sent food and money to food banks, given resources to scrub hubs and the Hackspace to make PPE etc and I made halloween parcels for friends I thought might be finding things tricky but was too ill to even send Christmas greetings on line 0.o

Its swings and round about - but it is at least something and part of my fight back of me living is trying to make this world a better place.

So I am currently a Death Head but do have High Octane blood and hope a little engine over haul will help with things - it's just a little tricky as it has to be left running whilst the maintenance work is being done.

Recap - I feel/felt like I'm dying - probably because I actually was - trying to do more than survive and get myself as well as I can - have traumatised family due to the almost dying bit and not seeing any friends and family (big issue for youngest who needs kids to run around with and has been very lonely) - focus on family emotions rather than on grades or outside assessments. It is the anniversary time for lots of the deaths of people I love this month and also I will probably be hitting people up for sponsorings for charities to help get me fit because my arse is way too big. Also also all grown ups in our household have now been vaccinated first doeses for a few weeks which is an emotion boost even if it scrubbed me out for a week and a half (nothing like actual covid).

Illuminated Fragments (by sarah)

Currently it is the Gloucester History Festival - happening very differently to previous year in the restrictions on numbers and the shift to more outside pre booked things and mostly online talks and interactive virtual tours. Even if I'd been well enough there is no way Cuddly Science/History could have done it's normal activities with sand pit digs and cloth puppets 0.o

I am seeing past events popping up on Facebook memories and they are awesome but do you know what? So is this year... there is a festival that had to completely start from scratch and reorganise some great stuff and they managed it and on their big year too! 10yrs of the Festival and 25yrs for the Heritage Open Days!

And it's not like I am completely devoid of involvement - back in the spring an art and archaeology project that I was very excited to be a part of obviously had to go on hold but now the exhibition is there for anyone who wanders over to see! They are asking people to pre book free tickets and wear face masks when in the building as well as doing track and trace.

It's at Llanthony Secunda Priory and called Illuminated Fragments. There were 15 of us lead by Jacqui Grange of Creative Solutions with access to the archaeological finds from the area thanks to Cotswold Archaeology, and tutorials on calligraphy as well as researching the history and stories of the area.

I really enjoyed the parts of it I managed to get to and the work produced is truly spectacular - it is only up until the 14th of Sept 2020. Including the Heritage Open Day.

Protected: Moon Mania PechKucha Talk (by sarah)

Parent Fail 1 and 2 of the New Year (by sarah)

1st parent failure of the year - turns out Mary had a theatre day on the first day back at school with a performance at the end of the day. Also she needed packed lunch which we obviously hadn't sent her with and though I knew she had a thing in January I had failed to notice it was on the first day back and a reminder txt only got to Alaric Blagrave Snell-Pym at 2:15 for a 2:30 performance :'(

Still not sure why I'm not getting the txts Al says he's emailed the school about it several times now and I used to get them but have fallen off of the system before - maybe it is one of those weird things like my my voice mail activating itself when I never set it up and have had the same phone for ages :/

We are really upset about this - poor Mary is just not getting the same attendance to her school performances as Jeany and not for want of trying but we are both finding the school letters dense and waffly without the info set out in an accessible way - but no one else seems to be having issue with it so we have to conclude it is us - to be honest finding time to read it on screen now its not paper is hard - ironically we had wanted an electronic version but more a searchable data base thing rather than just an electronic version of the news letter but then we have also failed to keep track of the schools tech upgrades including the homework set ups :/ And that is with us being a tech family - Jean is also struggling because our tech is all "out of date".

Not a good start to the year. Wall planner is now up and being filled in - sadly not in time for Mary's performance. Also what's happening to inset days why are they all suddenly NOT and activity days?

Us parents seem far more upset about this than Mary who was quiet happy because she got to eat a muffin for her lunch and muffins or MUFFFFAINS! are her current favourite food.