Home (by sarah)

I got home yesterday afternoon - I've busted my phone by dropping it at the hospital so of course have no ones numbers :/ So I'm sorry if anyone turned up to visit today or yesterday!

I'm happy/would love people to visit the house.

I'm not in my own bed as there are like half assembled coats and things in the way but we had a lovely Mary, Jean, Mummy sleep over last night and Jeany says she wants another tonight 🙂

Apart from that - well were to begin!

There is so much I could say, so much I want to say and so much I need to say - but it is all rather over whelming - so prepare yourselves for a lot of blogging and cute pictures - I have probably taken excessive amounts of Jean and Mary and Mary and Alaric and you are all going to be subjected to them!

I have two lovely little girls - both bueatiful and special, similar and different and wonderful!

I am finishing my antibiotics today - there is still a painfull lump just above the wound and the wound is a bit weepy which is being checked out tomorrow. I am sort of hoping I don't have to go on more antibiotics as with Jean it resulted it icky side effects :/

Pelvis is still separated but it is no where near as bad as with Jeany's laabour. I have already seen a physio and have a number to ring to get equipment back so I can shower and stuff on my own - this is very important to me as I need to feel I can do things. I can't start a proper exercise regime for another 5-6 weeks at the moment and I can't have physio until 6 weeks time. But I can just about walk with the crutches and now the iron tablets are taking effect I am not passing out or being shaky I can walk a way - not enough to say go shopping or even get to the end of the drive yet - but I am getting there!

I am much much happier with the medical treatment recieved this time round - both hospitals were fantastic and the after care has been brilliant.

There have been random bouts of tears but I know this time round that this is normal - it's what happens when you've just had a baby!

I am actually feeling pretty good - reguardless of not having had more than 4 hrs un-interrupted sleep for the last week! I am also only 13 stone which considering I started the pregnancy off at coughs 12 stone I think is not bad! I want to get down to a proper weight though but am also planning to try and do this over at least a year and to not overly worry about it.

I have discovered I am nuerotic about the house and had apoplexy when I came home - shouted at everybody and made them clean last night (in the process I have discovered shouting hurts the c-section wound :/ as does; crying, laughing and sneezing).

I am more resolved than ever to write The Glass Pelvis but mainly I am enjoying my two children - lots of cuddles and snuggles and with me and Jeany lots of giggling (don't get me wrong she is still throwing tantrums and being distracted as is to be expected but she is behaving better than we expected! It's more she's upset that people take her baby away from her).

Of course I am missing Alaric more than you can imagine but he will be back on Tuesday.

Lastly I have so many people to thank for messages and cards and flowers and little cardigans and chocolate and help when the pregnancy got really hard. So thankyou all 🙂

The Little Book of New Baby Poetry (by sarah)

I have spent this month working on The Little Book of New Baby Poetry - this is a series of poems and songs - some of them are from when Jeany was little and some I've made up specifically for this. It is for Jean it covers everything from Mummy's morning sickness to nappy changing, to boring babies who none the less grow into good friends for older sisters.

I wrote most of the poems at the beginning of the month and have been working on the illustrations for the rest of the month - today Al helped me put it all together - and turn it into a PDF. He then went and got it printed in colour for me at a place called Paper Box in Cheltenham 🙂

I have a bag full of stickers and one of the pages is for Jean's thoughts and poems. Jean loves the Little Books of poetry that I have made her in the past - this is the most 'complete' one and has cost the most! Both in time and money 🙂 I may put the rest of the illustrations up but I need to wash hair and make sure all is packed for tomorrow! I have pre-meds to take at 6 in the morning but hopefully by tomorrow lunch time we will be a family of four 🙂 I plan to give Jean the book and stickers when she comes to see me and the baby tomorrow afternoon!

Here are some photos of the 'book'.

Glass Bones (by sarah)

This is the other poem - tomorrow I have my pre-opp - Friday I get my baby and then the pain will matter less.

Glass Bones

A glass pelvis
Loose at the seams
My own pain apocolypse
Drenched in crises
Drowning in agonies
Each step a razor blade
Cutting into the fabric of me
Misalined, broken, bent
A pelvic shard
Shatters in muffled screams
Crying in the night
Fragile
Walking burns
Dwindling the memory
Sensation a shade
Of grey nothing
Dampening thought
Punctured, pierced
By electric blue
Fizzing of the tail bone
A primate with glass bones
Can no longer climb trees
Nor hold onto the top branches
To which they once clung
The fruits of life
Are within those branches
Instead
Sitting Pain
Standing PaiN
Sleeping PAiN
Sensation PAIN
Separeted Pelvis
Pubis synthesises
Gurdle stretched and broke
Aches and daggers
Dragging down
ME
Whinning of the glass rim
I do not drink of this misery
Just listen
Pelvis sing
Glass siren lurring
Monsters of the Id
All nasty qualities
Are distorded within

The Fear (by sarah)

Coming up to this little ones birth my mind has turned itself inside out with the memories of what happened before with Jean - it keep from overly panicking I have written a couple of poems which make me cry but I think are over all helpful at least to me.

The Fear

Before you were born
The Fear began
Blood marked anxiety
Over your future
Later it grabbed me
By the Lungs
As they injected me
To develop your
So if I died
You could be plucked
Not ready but surviable
Death was a shadow over us
Labour dawned
With complications
A room bristled
With activity
I could say nothing
Just scream
Silently - SAVE MY BABY
Intervention, blood, pain
You were there
And I could speak
Whispering softly
Too Daddy
'Go with the Baby'
His worried eyes boring
Into me

The Fear did not go
They placed you on me
And I sang a grace
'Thankyou'
Thankyou for my
Cone headed, alien-primate
My bueatiful monkey
Ancient and New
In the crib with you
The Fear tingled
As it still does
I check you each night
Even now
As often as I could then
Holding my breath
Checking yours

And as you grow
The Fear
Punctuates my thoughts
The less lickely to choke
The more you run off
Into the world
Of dangers
Fear constricts my mind
But I can not restrain you
Killing out of kindness
Out of Fear
Is still killing
Including the mind death
Stiffling the life
I watch you run
Explore

This is what love
Has wrought me?
This Fear
Fear of loosing you
And yet I would not undo
Would not exchange
The Fear
I would suffer more
For you
My little one
You grow
Grow strong and free
Maybe my fear
Is your blanket
Of protection
Innoculation against
The bad places?
I hope so
What else are
Parents for?

Weight and Waiting (by sarah)

Alaric finially got me some bathroom scales yesturday - I weigh in at 15 stone. This is a stone lighter than I was just before having Jeany even though I started this pregnancy about 3 stone heavier than I was at the beginning of Jean's.

I am really happy about this as double my weight was not pleasant and I was petrified of doing the same with this pregnancy and starting out that much heavier it really would have been a health disastor. Of course I did loose weight at the beginning of the pregnancy with the whole 'food posioning' business but I have also I have been eating me and Alaric food and not the hospital food. I have also not been bed ridden and though can't walk far can still walk some and of course I have tablets and blood testing kit to keep the gestational diebetes under control. All so very very different from Jeany's pregnancy.

I have a birth plan as well - this involves saying yes to vit K injections and saying I want to breast feed. I found out that breast feeding is good for me as well as the baby from the midwife. I knew it helped with weight loss and with baby blues but there are medium and long term benifts too which include stuff like cancer resistance (specifically breast and oviarian which with mum going in for another lumpectomy is a encouraging to know) and the other one is after the menopause it will help me stave off osteoporosis - something I've been meaning to talk to the Dr about now I'm in my 30's anyway! (Again due to family history though I am sure my nan probably breast fed some of her children - nutrition would not have been balanced like it is today plus her teen years were during the second world war).

But I am a weird mix of board and worried and fantic about the house!