The Gamification of Exercise, Health and Wieght and Stuff (by sarah)

So a few months ago I thought I would see what activity I was doing and so see where I could increase etc... I got a pedometer - it was the second from cheapest at like £7 - it lasted a week. The recommended number of steps to do as a min a day is 10, 000.

In that week which was an average week I roughly did:

Tuesday 7, 000 (from when the pedometer arrived) Wednesday 21, 000 Thursday 4, 000 Friday 15, 000 Saturday 12, 000 Sunday 11, 000 Monday 17, 000 Tuesday - broke the thing

It completely was not accurate, it didn't measure all my steps especially on the Wednesday, this I think was due to the fact that as my pelvis hurts more, the more the walking motion is a shuffle - these steps are the hardest, most painful and muscle killing and it was very disheartening not to have them registered. It also added in "false" steps and I would have to check what it said before and after car travel as speed bumps registered etc...

Wednesdays kill me - every week I am so tired I am slurring speech and in pain - it is interesting to see that it was so high. Thursdays are drastically low as I see it as a recovering from Wednesday day. This was useful as it meant I could mentally tell myself I needed to do extra on those days the count was below the step count.

The next pedometer was £12 and lasted little better as the clips are rubbish and I found they would work their ways off my clothing and tumble to their doom.

The results kind of made me sad though, most days I was reaching the hallowed 10, 000 steps - my easy fix wasn't going to be that easy then. I found a recumbent exercise bike and started using that - except Wednesdays I've been trying to do at least 20 minutes on there - my legs where too short for it though and it isn't very recumbent and I think I could have done a lot more if it was more so. I found a fix to the short legs and it is called my platform shoes.

I already do my physio exercises (this is why there is a giant silver ball in our living room and sometimes the weights) and often the belly dancing warm up - though sadly due to a rescheduling of stuff for Al I have managed to get to a class for about a year. I have also spent the last six months hanging from a chin up bar and about 6 weeks ago had the break through of being able to life my feet off the floor - it is not a chin up but it takes a stupid amount of effort for me to do this - more than chin ups ever used to be.

Hill walking I have to be careful with or the damn shin splints come back - these plagued me in the village - sharp pains in the shins that steadily get worse until you can't walk and then they take forever to get better. I am also careful to try and avoid the over activity, rest, under activity cycle though as you can see from the Wednesday/Thursday it is not always possible to avoid in life and running workshops at festivals can take about two weeks to recover from.

I've worked really hard to get where I am so you can imagine my horror when the Dr asked if I didn't do anything more energetic than walking :/ walking is hard, there is no way I can do running - maybe in the future but the damn pelvis still shears if I step wrong - this is the sharp pain that runs down the centre of my pelvis at the front, it gets worse and then walking without crutches kind of becomes impossible - it can be mostly avoided if I just sit and rest lots on my walks etc... and I even managed 20 mins of climbing - I would have managed more if I hadn't tried to go side ways.

The Dr mentioned swimming - something I had been meaning to do but with the bleeding issues after Mary's birth, it had kind of become a non-option. That isn't the case now but the bleeding reduced so gradually to just two weeks a month last year that I kind of didn't notice. So that gave me the jolt I needed but I'm really useless at just swimming, riding bikes, walking - there has to be a reason/function above and beyond the health.

So for walking that is getting the girls to their clubs, blackberrying or taking photos etc... Or the allotment as an overall work out (bending, pulling weeds, walking with weed tubes, and so on - I can't dig I tried and it was instant pelvis out of action). I read or watch films with the girls whilst on the exercise bike (which is now on the highest level it can be).

I have had this situation for so long now that I have no idea what normal peoples energy levels and stuff are. From my perspective there are my ultra fit tri-athlon and marathon and bike riding friends, ME/MS/chronic illness suffers who all attempt bike riding, swimming and walking of some type but tend to be a bit chunky like me (though not all of them - the ones that don't have kids - not sure if that is coincidence or not! Male and female). Then there is a third category which most people fall into - they don't seem to do much and eat what ever they like and they are just well... normal, possibly over weight, possibly not but still functioning perfectly well - and bizaarly this is this is the group with most opinions on what you should be doing to keep fit etc...

I was hoping that the almost year of walking and the six months odd of allotmenting would have shown some sort of change in my weight but it didn't. And whilst in about my headaches and BP with the Drs it came up - my blood pressure is acceptable for my size but I am too big - well yes but what do I do?

I have calorie counted and even taking into account the meals out with people my average intake on a bad day is 1600. Two years ago I stopped making cake on a regular basis thinking that was the issue, I thought maybe I'd made the mistake of thinking I could have chips for lunch on a Wednesday. I've even taken to trying to make guests eat my cooking so we don't go out to places with lots of food - because you know I have pretty much always been hungry - it takes martial arts training not too eat EVERYTHING.

Often I one meal a day if we are going out to eat - ie the meal out. I tend to be useless when I do this though - and run the risk of passing out if we don't get there until late. At home Alaric eats 2-3 times what I do and he has chocolate bars etc... so I get quiet testy when people suggest cal control. To my surprise the Dr didn't say that this time - she mentioned slow metabolisms and diabetes (which I have been trying to stave off by eating alot of whole and/or raw foods often grown ourselves etc... and worked well for controlling the gestational diabetes with Mary - of course one of the big issues with my weight is I whoped it on during Jean's pregnancy, doubling my wight as theyd missed the diabetes there and fed me hospital food) and thyroid though I may not have either and just a very slow metabolism (thyroids been borderline since before Jeany but always borderline).

I am going to see the diabetic, thyroid, food nurse next week and I am hoping she can suggest some changes as I'm still convinced that the thyroid and diabetes can be controlled with diet. I really kind of don't want to add more tablets to the mix. I am not going to deny that I was hoping for more energy back with the reduction in bleeding even with the chronic fatigue though.

Having said that I know I have more energy than the year after Mary was born and I have been desperate to up the exercise stuff and so having busted a second cheap pedometer I decided I needed a better one and Al got a bonus. I found a £79 one reduced to £30 - it links with my phone - Al had to take over the app installing as I couldn't even get the thing to charge initially!

It has goals on it, number of steps, number of stairs, distance, activity and calories burned. They are set at:

10, 000 steps 1000 calories 5 Km 1 hr of activity 150 steps

I make the stairs and hours of activity easily a day - though it doesn't measure any arm movement or carrying heavy things (like toddlers).

Steps I meet easily most days but can be a struggle on bad days. I meet the distance one on and off - it is still the first week so can't really tell yet.

I have not yet gotten above 800 odd calories burnt and I'm kind of assuming that it is inaccurate anyway as it is calibrated for my height, weight, step length and energetic-ness (so running burns more than walking etc) and the issue is that I don't burn calories at the normal rate.

Anyway the thing is I love goals! I love setting them and achieving them and just the fact that I can check them on the phone is a big thing for me and had me walking in circles the first night to make up the last 200 steps. This was one of the reasons I wanted a more high tech pedometer.

I know from xbox games such as Connect Adventures that I will push myself that little bit further if I can get a badge or something out of it - even better if I can unlock bits of the games with it. I've been noting friends posting the outlines of their walks and stuff on Facebook and I thought that sounded like a potential motivator - cutting down on the caffine kind of killed my normal motivation of walking to get a coffee in the evenings once Al is home so I was hoping to replace it with something. Unfortunately the only one I could find that did all that stuff was over £200 so was out as an option.

It's a striiv for those who are interested.

The one I've picked has an extra feature and that is gamification! It has settings to add friends with the same pedometer to compete against each other - I haven't yet found anyone of the same sort of level as me with the same pedometer which is a shame but I did find a little in built game. It's called Myland - it has energy, coins and gems. You start of with some coins and gems but have to plant and grow and build things to earn the coins (you can in real life buy more but for me that destroys the gaming aspect). You have to get energy to build or grow the objects you've bought and to get the energy you need to move about, walking, stepping etc...

There are quests that give you people and animals to populate your little world with and so far this has worked really well for me. A few nights back it had been a bad day, my muscles were in spasm and I was tired and I had crawled through the day just doing domestic stuff that needed doing - I'd needed two naps and the kids had jumped on me lots etc... I had still managed to almost get my walking goal but I don't think that that alone would have gotten me to go out for my evening walk but I was almost at the end of a quest to win a tiger and so Al took us to a country park and we had an hour of mooching around watching the sunset.

I got my tiger.

I now have a dragon, a lemur, a fairy and two centaurs, a tiger and an ostridge , two extra islands and lots of plants and buildings half built. There is still plenty of map to unlock though I am already wondering what I am going to do once I have completed it all.

This type of thing seems to really help me - I kind of have no idea how to forward with all of this stuff at all. After Jean was born and I could finally walk properly again the only way I lost the little bit of weight that I managed was to be doing exercises 5 hrs a day and that kind of just doesn't fit in well around normal life and I think that that is an excessive amount of time, especially as it was pretty much all I was managing on those days.

I don't really know what to do - I am not putting on weight, I am just not loosing it and I want to loose it as I think that it makes the pelvis hurt more having the loading on it. On top of that just with water retention around bleeding (it's not periodic anymore so I've kind of stopped calling them periods), I can fluctuate by a good half stone in weight if not more in the same day - this is why I always wonder what others are talking about when they put down they've lost a couple of pound. Of course I know that if I ate loads of cream and stuff I could loose weight as 2 weeks of normal cow mild in tea every day is enough to start chucking up and pooping blood but that is not healthy at all.

I am not going to change my diet until I've seen the nurse and gotten her advice on stuff, I am however interested in what others do - people have already shared a lot fo stuff with me on face book and I have asked around the climbing wall and stuff. Feel free to add stuff in the comments but no preaching mkay.

I don't do cream or fatty/overly oily food as it makes me sick and I don't like the taste of most of it (bar some cheeses and choc which have been on the reduced list since Mary's pregnancy) - I don't even have spread on my bread if I can avoid it. We are mostly vegy - Alaric is so we don't tend to cook meat except on Thursdays when he is out - it is normally fish of some kind - I can't eat beef anyway as it is the fats and proteins that make me ill with the milk as well (sometimes I try to reintroduce it as was recommended by previous nhs dietician but still makes me ill).

Pizza is my sin food - massive whack of everything and going to make me sick if it's not home made - I tend to cave once every six weeks - normally when someone is visiting and refusing my cooking. I find it harder to avoid in summer holidays - yes poor will power and kids.

So there you have it all, warts and all. Sadly I have wanted to write something about all of this for ages but people are so judgmental about food and body shape and weight that it makes you not want to say stuff, not be honest. I don't want to mention what I eat as I get lots of conflicting advice, some nastiness and so on, I gave up trying to explain how much of a struggle physical activity is and how much I do as people either assume I'm being lazy/depressed and/or think I am being untruthful about the amount of physical activity I am doing. Alaric commented on the fact I seemed to want to prove to people how much I walk and stuff and yes there is that there as from things said I know people don't believe it - one of the joys of the app is that I can damn well show people - it would be good if I could post to FB etc... but I can't work out how.

But you know I shouldn't feel like that - that is not going to be a positive place to start off from. Like with the gardening being left to do it my own way with no one commenting on the amount of breaks I am taking has meant that I have spent WHOLE DAYS getting stuff done rather than fizzing out after 1 and a half and being in pain for days on end afterwards.

I think the big break through here is realising everyone is different - as the dr said a normal dieting regime isn't going to work for me - I need to fine tune - or maybe over haul I don't know. People sharing what is working for them is one thing people saying you have to do this or you are stupid is another thing entirely. Sharing is good as it shows people options but we need to drop the guilt around weight and food, if we can't share are experiences then we aren't going to have a chance to contrast and compare and so on.

I was loosing weight after I had MAry I had put on one stone during the pregnancy (oh the difference between controlled and uncontrolled gestational diabetes and getting to choose my own food). Then they put me on hormones to try and stop the bleeding and I put that stone and a bit more back on and hunger you wouldn't believe. As I said before I am always hungry but this was a new level and I had to ban people from bringing certain foods into the house lest I demolish them. Not having the foods there was the self control for this situation - I also grew facial hair - I am very glad to be away from all of that now. But when the weight was going back on people felt they could comment on it ALL THE TIME as if I was unaware of it, as if it wasn't something I was worried about or trying to control (of course there are those friends who always say I've lost weight - they are either weight blind, being nice or maybe trying to boost confidence etc).

Even after having Jean I found that well meaning people would start conversations with about when I was going to start my post pregnancy weight loss and what was I doing, was I drinking water before meals and so on. I kind of found this hurtful and the fact that I know most of it was well meaning made it harder for me. The result is a kind of perpetual guilt around all eating and I think for others who don't notice that is what happening can cause a rather nasty destructive cycle - those who have lost lots of weight themselves tend to be really bad with this one.

And to make it worse I was being told not diet at that point after both pregnancies - I can't remember why now but I think it was a combo of breast feeding and excess bleeding/aneamia and just getting enough strength back to walk/stand up on my own.

(ps if I have asked you for advice you probably are not part of the judgementals).

Now I must take the girls out picking blackberries.

Comic Books, Cuddly Science and Music and More (by sarah)

So I've been a busy bee but I kind of forget to blog about stuff which is stupid as then people don't know it is happening. Anyway I have just finished writing another 50,000 words in a month as part of the summer CampNanowrimo - a variant on the Novel Writing month challenge. Everything was based in the Punk's Universe which is now epically big and pushing to get out there to the public but apart from a few flash fictions and short stories which you can read here, it simply is not yet ready!

Second there has been great progress with Cuddly Science thanks to help from Mum and there will be an unleashing of more puppets soon plus a website etc... this next month is going to be about really pushing that project forward which is really exciting 🙂 Though I have to confess Ada puppet has managed to scare a few house visitors especially when I forget to move her out of the guest room. To fully realise the vision of Cuddly Science though I now need to be looking for some external funding and also kind of finish the very last piece of my Science Communication course. For those of you who don't know Cuddly Science is a series of scientist, engineers, technologist, medicine and maths peeps in puppet form who can either run shows and/or interact with kids showing and helping them through games, experiments and sci-craft activities. Using their own stories they explain the wonderous discoveries that have been made and show just how much there is still to find out whilst giving the children a gentle taste of some actual science.

And Universe In A Box has arrived to help run Cuddly Science workshops and a few other bits which I am very pleased with 🙂 And also part of the money I spent on this fab kit will help poorer schools and things get hold of the same kit on a global scale which can only sit well with my idea of science for all 😀

I have also been working on music and have produced a song called Somebody Please which came about as I was so distressed to learn of the children from the single mother's homes that were neglected and disrespected even in death. It was a song that had to be - it isn't a happy one and it reminds us that there are still children that can be rescued - it was one of those that had to be written and also has my first ok attempt at guitar.

I think I kind of forgot to blog about the last few songs as well - so here is I'm at the Bottom of the Sea - were I attempt to play the Temple drum out friend Seth gave us.

And Little Ghost of Parade.

Then we get to the comic books, I have discovered that Gloucester Library has lots and lots of comic books and graphic novels which I think I mentioned before. Well I've started taking them out of the library rather than flicking through them whilst in situ as it were. When I was little the library in Hornchurch did not have such things and I couldn't afford them. This week I read Neverwhere which I loved but kept kind of remembering bits of it in a very specific voice. I know it is a novel as well but I think it must also be an audio book or radio show that I've heard before. Anyway I really liked it.

Hmmm amazon has a BBC series so maybe that is what I am remembering!

Anyway I have also been working on my own comic and due to feed back etc... I now have two covers and am toying with the idea of there being a black and white version and a colour version.

I also have the light core of the optronic super computer which is a mix of water colours and computer jiggery pockery which I worked out and did all by myself without asking Alaric how to install stuff etc...

I have also drawn the Punk walking - this picture looked better before I inked it in and rubbed out the pencil as the pen splodges so I need to look at materials again - maybe different pens or paper or both. But it is supposed to be a fusion of the "traditional" DC/Marvel comic book styles and the Japanese Manga and the old old cowboy comics and fantasy art stuff.

I'm still mucking about with how I'm going to colour the pictures but feel I am making great progress!

I also painted a flamingo as a last minute birthday present for Al's aunt. It was one of those wake up at five in the morning ideas - I have really only just started with the water colours but it seemed to work.

So as you can see things are busy busy especially if you add events and life in on top! But I think it's all going well - though sadly at the moment due to health stuff I'm only going to paid gigs which has made me feel like I am slightly letting people down but I can only do so much stuff at the moment 🙁

There is a lot more fun stuff I need to blog about - the girls and the chickens and what not so hopefully I'll get a chance to catch up soon!

Blood Pressure and stuff (by sarah)

So I've been suffering from headaches - not the ones I had before where my eye kept spasming but like an almost constant one making me feel sick and grumpy which would then splurge into a completely crippling can't do anything, brain being squeezed and sliced and lights and shapes and halos and little white spots and stars.

My skin has also gone all mottled and stuff again, in a way that has happened before but this time it is everywhere and no matter how much sunlight I show it has just gotten worse!

This morning I finally got to the Drs - the skin is the same as before and is worse as the weather is humid so I have shampoo for it and breathing a sigh of relief that it isn't SOMETHING else to add!

Headaches it turns out are actually two different types of headache - one a tension induced headache - my neck, back and shoulders are all locked down tight - unsurprising as I am currently limping from the muscles in my right leg doing the same - same old same old. Then the really bad head aches which feel like what I had in labour - are migraines. But my blood pressure is up and it turns out I should have had my blood pressure monitored since I had Jeany (who is about to turn 9) as I had the pregnancy induced hyper tension and stuff and so may be suffering from hyper tension.

So I have the number of an acupunturist and some tablets for when the headaches are really really bad.

Of course I'd also meant to mention the fact that my bleeding has gone from being low level all the time to two weeks on two weeks off to two weeks at random points. We had a big enough gap that we got a pregnancy test (which was negative). But I forgot - same with the swelling up throat thing (I keep looking like a bull frog!) - I'll have to go back for those at some other point and hope they are not related to the other stuff!

I have this nagging feeling that I was supposed to have a bleeding diary and a pain diary for the Drs but I can't recall if that is recent or not :/ This is why I got her to write everything down and handed it all straight to Alaric explaining what each was once back in the waiting room - which was just as well as I was missing one of the prescriptions and had to go back!

I'm now monitoring my blood pressure and have an appointment for a couple of weeks time. Dr was concerned that I throw up with the headaches but I pointed out that I tend to end up chucking alot anyway between periods and food allergies and what not. Also had to point out that the shoulder grinding and crunching stuff is an old injury and that I have chronic fatigue so yes I'm getting enough sleep as I kind of struggle staying awake to be honest.

I hate going to the Drs and just have this sinking feeling that it will be another round of stuff but hey I am still alive which without modern meds I wouldn't be so I shouldn't complain but you know I will! :/

Music, Muse and Marvel (by sarah)

I am 33 yrs old - for my 30th it was decided that I would attempt the music I had never really had the chance to do. Al got me the Purple Vin and a tone of plectrums. I was going to and indeed started singing lessons. But really I have not done as much as I had hoped.

I've sung 4 times, five if you include my own birthday bash (not including campfire singing here) and my guitar practice is sketchy at best.

Alaric got me a microphone for the valentines just after we moved in here - so 2012 - and I have been producing songs which are slowly ending up on my bandcamp page - this really got going when I got a place on a song writing workshop with Paul Murphy. To date we have:

Windy Gloucestershire which I won the creative olympics bronze medal for song writing:

I Want To Know About Everything - which is about science:

Shy - which is actually my poem set to the hammond organ we accidently bought instead of a bed settee.

Bubble of Bone - where I muck around with the echo and zynergy charms

Ivy - I kind of wanted this one to be a dance track but it kind of is a fragment instead - a ghost of what it could be.

I knew Him So Well - where I experimented with putting a half there narrative over the top.

Flowing - a song about war and one I sung at the open mic at Wychwood

Firey Redemption - a song and painting I produced in response to the homophobic attacks and discrimination in general - both voices are me and I wanted it to sound similar to Billy Holliday in a little shake recording naked sound - I know most people do not like this song - I however am happy with it - it says what I want.

Hey You - I actually wrote this whilst at school as a 'protest song' when I found out in GCSE business studies that women could expect to earn less than men for the same job - plus general teenage punk 'where do I fit in society' - I decided to add in a disjointed thrash/death metal voice as well.

Love Song From The Gutter - what it says - about childhood discovery of love that can't happen. It is a twin to Bubble of Bone and I think it still needs a backing.

Little Ghost on Parade - which is about prostitution and living on the edge but still fighting for a future.

Summer Sun - a love song for walking around Gloucester with my husband 🙂 It needs guitar backing or something still.

I have a couple of other songs to come yet that involve drums, me singing three parts and the guitar etc... But there is a real issue - I have lost my ability to sing one my own in front of people - ok so the on my own has always been a bit of an issue but I swear it's a lot worse now :/

I went and did a couple of lessons and joined a group at Centre Arts but things where too complicated at the time as it was around when we were trying to move and I was still on crutches and stuff.

So you can imagine Al's surprise when I started to sing and sing and sing the song Let It Go from the Design Film Frozen. I announced that I was going to an audition for the Gloucester Pride with the group Jean does her drama with. And I got the song sound LUSH - really dam hot. My throat kept closing up when I thought of people though, so I got Jean to sit and be a staring audience and at first I struggled and then it was good and then I got Al to join in and the same. I even worked out bits of it for the guitar - gave up looked on the internet and amended someone elses chords until I was happy with it but discarded the guitar as I'm not at the point where I can sing and play well enough at the same time. I focused on singing it my way...

And it was fab.

And I have the perfect outfit.

Then I got to the audition and I was shaking, I stared at the page of words and could not look up and I squeaked my way through the song. And I mean squeak - the power and depth had gone, most of the notes where in tune (I think though wobbly). I think I croaked on one of them though and so on.

I apologised and they were lovely and put on backing music and I sang it lower in my 'camp fire' voice and they said I was much stronger in my lower register (not as low as I sing Firey). But I'm sure I don't sing in tune in camp fire voice - my mum always used to moan about it when I sang like that and it kind of doesn't take any effort and is almost talking. I'm also still not sure I'll be able to sing it infront of people.

SO it was a bit of a flop - on the other hand I am singing with other for the event and that is great 🙂 I have missed MTSoc (Musical Theatre) since leaving Imperial and until I moved to Gloucestershire I was always singing. I can't read music and I don't understand the technical side of things - I have confidence issues over it all due to being told in primary school that real musicians do not play by ear and having started off thinking music was something you felt as I initially could not hear as a small child and so on.

Anyway I have been trying to sing the Frozen song lower with the result of a scary Nick Cave style version earlier that made Mary very cross - she didn't like my high version of Let It Go either - she likes the Camp Fire voice as long as I don't hit and wrong notes - she sulks if I do and starts singing over me.

For a 3 yr old she is amazing at tonal stuff.

Anyway I have always gone with confronting my fears - scared of heights become a climbing instructor, dyslexic - become a writer, social anxiety? chronic shyness? - get your bum on stage.

The photo at the top of the post is my new plectrum collection - or rather what has already arrived - I broke my second to last one at the weekend and kind of found that you can now get really amazing ones - they are all the different Marvel Comic book character ones 😀 I am still awaiting, shiny, sparkly ones, space themed ones and dragons. I kind of didn't realise how many there were but am happy especially as Jeany has asked to start learning again so she can have a plectrum - good job I got an extra pack so it wont break my set up then 😉 Also this means Comic Book Plectrum Jewellery - three of my past times in one thing 😀

(Don't worry Clare the last plectrum is the wonderful engraved silver one you got me!).

Moping, Tori Amos and Death (by sarah)

Post is not about suicide honest!

I am sitting here moping around in a hello kitty onsie listening to Tori Amos and reading a graphic novel called Death written by Neil Gaiman. I have lots of stuff that needs doing but it is the weekend and I have already done a huge chunk of domestic stuff this morning.

I am trying to frame my thoughts, to prepare them for some comic book art later today. I haven't worked on the comic since Monday and I need to work on Cuddly Science as it now has a second booking. The issue is I am feeling very nervous about all of it - about my own capabilities and talents.

Alaric normally boys me up with this sort of thing but he has gone to London today and I am missing him and am also feeling strangely alarmed that I have been with him for over a third of my life. I wrote this and I think I may end up constructing him a poem out of it at some point - I posted the first bit on twitter and then when I put it on Facebook it grew - he liked it which was a relief 🙂

I don't like my men to be beefcake - oh no I like them to be nut roast.
I also like my coffee like I like my men - white, sweet and tall preferably with caramel but I'll put up with vanilla, decaf but not weak
Must also have dodgy dress style and be able to be cast as an elf in LoTR
Add in the brain power and the essential we must be FRIENDS and I think it's a good job I found Alaric Blagrave Snell-Pym
Next month is 10 yrs of marriage, I've been with him for over a 1/3rd of my life - this morning I felt this was an insane fact - now feeling lonely as he's gone to the big smoke and the girls are playing on their own and the cats have gone out

I am annoyed with myself and project jumping - true I get the projects finished but it takes longer than other people as I'll focus on one thing for six weeks and then jump to another project. They tend to be the same projects that I flit between but it means instead of getting a finished thing and then moving on, I get three things all finished at the same time.

This is not the best tactic for several reasons - firstly there is only so much of my stuff everyone is interested in and I need to give each one a far chance and not over load people and what I do is kind of the worst of both worlds. What I should do with my varied focus and projects is do a bit of each, each day or week to keep the skills honned or to just learn the skills do the project and then move on to the next thing. What I actually do is spend 6 weeks on something, the first week or so being me remembering what it is I was doing with the project/cleaning the rust of my skills.

And at the same time of course I can't actually focus on what I want to for those 6 weeks as there are workshops, performances, stuff I've promised to people, kids and animals and health problems.

Alaric doesn't see my way of working as a problem but I also get incredibly distracted once I am in the 'zone' with a project and start to resent time not spent on it. He says this is just how my brain works.

I am also being mentally hungry at the moment - I want new things and everything seems to just be combinations and reiterations of what's gone before (yes I know its the combinations that make things new, it's just the way I feel at the moment). This goes for books, films and music - I found Tori has produced a whole new lot of music since last I looked hence the morning marathon!

At the same time I feel incapable of learning at the moment - my mind just flits away or I forget what I was doing, like the first half of the instructions etc... this happens if I don't get to focus on a project, it's like my mind can't hold anything else - I obsess about a project but only for a limited amount of time. I think that is why things like NaNoWriMo appeals to me so much - they fit in with how I'm happiest working and so far I've gone back repeatedly to the same project but that means my life has to worked out on an annul basic and not weekly/monthly etc... and EVERYTHING is long term :/

I'm feeling elated and panicky about performances and fear that I'll stop coming up with ideas.

It's kind of bizar. Also I seem to have lost the ability to sing in front of anyone :/ Just thinking about it makes my throat clam up - my solution to this is that I am dam well going to start singing again - some way, some how. I fear it will affect the way I do my performances as well so I have been making myself practice the guitar and have attempted to learn the Let It Go song from Frozen - it seems to kind of be helping.

And...

One blog post without a focus - I love Tori's music and I love Neil's work and this entire thread of thought was sparked by 'oh look I'm reading him and listening to her and they are at the British Library together today looking at comic books - ooo comic books wasn't I doing something with that... or was it a song I was supposed to be recording?'

Now I am off to spray the chickens as one of them is being naughty and pecking the others :/