Poetry Scrolls and Food For Thought (by sarah)

Saturday afternoon I went along for the third time to Food For Thought, this is a monthly spoken word event in Gloucesters Cafe Rene. It is a relatively diverse group who attend though it is down stairs one of the reasons I've only just discovered there is a basement venue!

It was live streamed - I read twice - I did Shy and Ice and managed once again to walk into the speaker making it a hat trick!

There was a good variety of works ranging from classical, comedic rhyme, rap type styly and stuff from behind bars.

Next month is there Two Year Anniversary!!! Sadly for me it classes with The True Believers Comic Book Festival but hey - COMIC BOOK FESTIVAL!!!!

I will be at the comic book fest as WigglyPets Press if anyone else is going. There is also a LARP craft fair thingy going on in Gloucester that weekend too!

Anyway... Food For Thought was great - it ended up being standing room only and there was a little dog!!! And babies.

I took along my mini poetry scrolls which I have been making since new year. These have my art work on side and a poem on the other. Alot of the art work I have used for the covers of my poetry zines etc... so the poems on those are ones from the relevant collections.

I took along a whole bag of them and scattered them around the room before the event started. Someone thought I was scattering money on the tables because of they way they are rolled up. I laughed and said, "Money!!!! Don't be daft I'm a poet where would I get money like that from!".

I was kind of shy about it once people started to open them and read them - it's kind of an arrogance to assume people will want my stuff. And some don't want it, some people ignored them and others looked and then discarded and that is fine.

Some however picked them up and tracked me down and asked me questions about things like career or just wanted to state they liked them or wanted to know if the art work was mine as well (it is).

There are currently eight different poems, I am hoping to get that up to ten in the near future - as in before the end of the week.

I am filling up a little barrel full of them to take to book fairs and things. They have come out much nicer than I was expecting!!!

I've been developing this concept since New Year and part of it stems from the idea I had for our resolution jar and part of it came from something I read in one of the origami books I got. I've always loved my paper craft and the origami has helped spark so many ideas.

I've even created some boxes and things from traditional origami to display the scrolls in. This part of the project is still under development but I think it's super cute so have decided to share it with you.

The scrolls are small as shown by the coin for scale in the above photograph. However I still plan to make some even smaller ones. The idea of making really little writings like this is not new to me. When I was a kid we'd spend a lot of time in Wales visiting family and one day me and my brother were given the tiny tiniest bible - it sat in the palm of our hands. I loved it so much that a little poetry book about the same size was found or made for me (I'm not sure if my great uncle was making them or not). These were beautiful and I have always sort to create something similar.

I want to display my works in lovely ways, this is my nature and something I feel has been some what repressed by me trying to make my creative stuff profitable/bill paying. The lid is a mock up in scrap paper where zine printing went wrong and does involve glue, I think once I've perfected it, it will look amazing!!!

I have several other box prototypes being tried out as well.

Now within the origami book it talked about making paper and different types of paper being used to convey part of the message or the feelings surrounding the gift. I felt this was almost an extension to visual or concrete poetry where the structure of the poem and the font of the works as well as where on the page etc... is part of the message or feel. And I also make textural artworks to add a sensory depth so this made me feel all goose bumpy, I could apply this to poetry!

Then I thought about what paper I could maybe write on and draw on and what textures it should be and then I thought... hang on rather than buying patterned paper I can use art works that I have already created to compliment/add depth to the poems. They are there already and I knew I wanted them to be scrolls, little one off treasures.

I considered making my own paper - I used to do this as a child with scrap office paper and food colouring, it tends to catch my pens so I only like using it for making boxes etc... I realise I probably just need to try different things but I am happy with my scrolls.

Yes they are held together with loom bands - silicon ones - I did ask the kids if I could have them and will be replacing what I use from their stocks and hey they've had all the ones people bought me!

And that leads us onto the butterflying effect of ideas: ideas beget ideas and you end up with what I term a thought cascade - sometimes it can get too much and stops you thinking all together!

So from this I now have story scrolls which are still in development and are big, micro scrolls which are titchy! And are actually a resurrection of an idea I had before the head injury of putting stories in jewellery. And then there are the poetry notelets!

The kids wanted to steal the poetry scrolls but they wanted to make their own but they want the pretty pictures and I run writing sessions and creativity drives etc... so I thought... blank poetry scrolls! Ones people can use to write their own poems on.

So I selected the art work and made them. I rolled a set up to see how they look and I think they are fab! The girls love them :)

I picked art works of mine that I thought would be inspiring in and of themselves. Below is my favourite photo of them.

I am planning on releasing a templates PDF with them in. I might have to charge money for it or something because... bills. But I will also be leaving little sets of them around for people to find :)

They work best stored flat so I have been making little books and boxes for them. And also there are a couple of workshops I have worked out in and around this idea from creating your own from scratch to just using as writing aids but more on that later :)

Making and Creating (by sarah)

So today has been a making things only day - when I got up I knew writing was going to be a no go as I am still recovering from the cognative tests at the hospital yesterday. This is what I made:

An upcycled book-wallet from graze boxes and colouring in books.

A little flip notelet holder also made from graze boxes and colouring in book (ie off cuts from the one upbove). Including a half pencil I have customised.

Origami boxes made from special card Al bought me yesterday, for the large illustrated scrolls both story and poetry. Decorated with patterned tissue paper and stickers of my art work.

These are all still in the concepts phase as I need to see how they hold together etc... Also I have seen the colouring I did after the head injury and it is not pretty but mostly salvagable by help of black marker round the edges.

Here is more of the same from different angles:

I ended up using a cheese knife to remove a section of the vanished wood so that I could ink onto the pencil. Very pleased with how they came out though.

The book-wallets are for blank poetry scrolls which can be used as note-lets. I am so so pleased with how this came out!

It is lit. some card cut out from a graze box with colouring in sheets stuck to it.

Using origami skills I then folded a double pouch which I stuck on the inside. I folded it out of an off cut from the uncoloured colouring in sheet I used from the inside.

I put the blank poetry scrolls which are little pieces of paper with my art work on that I have printed and cut to size. I hope they will help people get writing :)

These boxes came out lovely but the reason one has stickers on it is that it is actually very easy to buckle the cardboard, I ended up using a cheese knife to score lines where I wanted to fold and I added in a fold to make popping the boxes together nicer and avoid the ripping that occured with the first box. p.s. if anyone has seen my craft knives and metal ruler I would be most pleased to have them back but to be honest I don't think I've seen them since we moved from Essex!!!

An Origami Birthday (by sarah)

This is backblogged because I was kind of too frazzeled on the day to write as I had tests at the hospital but I still wanted the pictures and stuff on my birthday date on the blog :)

In the morning Mary gave me the screen play of Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find them - the latest Harry Potter-verse installement. Alaric gave me a book on Allotments broken down month by month :) And an origami book.

So we went to get a brunch at Ed's Diner but it was closed down - really closed down as in all the kitchen stuff was out in the main restaurant and the website says it's perminately closed :( But we went off and got a coffee instead or rather I did - still soya, decaf but this time with SYRUP!!! Alaric read his book whilst I sorted out a list of to-do's from my new allotment book :) These things make me happy.

Then I folded some bits from my new origami book for Alaric including a jumping grasshopper that actually does flick into the air much to my surprise!

I improvised him a mouse and thought about how I could combine my drawing art with folding paper :) True it is not a brilliant mouse but I still like it :)

We then went shopping and to Hobbycraft and TheWorks and bought me craft supplies including some lovely pastel cotton textured card from which to fold things from!

Then it was Pizza time!!! This had not been the original plan as I had frozen pizzas at home for my evening meal as Wednesdays are Scout days and quick dins were needed. But it was a bit tricky having found the diner closed as it is one of the few restaurants I know can cater for the gluten free and not accidently make me ill! I would have loved to have gone to the cinema but as I was having neurological tests done to see what whacks my brain out I didn't think I should go and do something I know will whack my brain out!

Pizza Express now have gluten free dough balls!!! I can not tell you how happy that makes me!

The meal was lovely and I did more folding, including this box which I am most proud of!

It is a nice box, easy to fold, easy to make a lid too and thanks to stickers larger versions will be perfect for some of my little publishing and craft projects!

Jean made me a card at school on lined paper and presented it too me with the words "see I didn't forget" her friend had made me one too though with a higher age than I am on it :D Jean's card had butterflies and shooting stars on in :)

Alaric insists he's organising something else for me too - no idea what.

Food Frustrations (by sarah)

Mr Alaric made pasta bake for our dinner this morning, this is because I'm still burning stuff when I cook unsupervised and he now doesn't get in from his new job until Mary's bedtime - so we are trying him pre-cooking and me bunging it the oven for half an hr to feed the kids on time.

Also we are trying to do him packed lunches to save money as there are quiet a few DIY projects that need completing around the house.

This is brilliant and wonderful of him... but he did almost get himself skinned alive over the weekend when he suggested I have a snack because I was hungry and at 2:30 was saying I needed to eat and not wait for elaborate cooking. Issue, I normally have my lunch at 12 at the latest, I put on some weight over Christmas (I am now 10 and a 1/4 stone BOOOOOOOO and flapping when I run), this mucks up my sugar levels and my pelvis so there is no choice the weight is going. Meaning I am HUNGRY. I am always hungry unless I have 1600-1800 cals a day unfortunately I was quiet sedenatory over Nov with colds and chest infections and what not and then went straight into Christmas and somehow failed to do my walks and stuff.

Because I know I get hangry and fainty (blood sugar drops etc...) I'm not cutting straight down to 1400 cals but am taking Jan at 1400-1600 cals with the hope that I can actually just ramp up my physical stuff so I don't have to drop right down. I miss the nice dietician/diabetic/thyroid nurse at the surgery but her role was axed and that was that and I was left on my own and I think I am mostly managing it and hey she was there when I really really needed the help with this stuff.

Al has always verged on the underweight end of the spectrum and consumes so so so much food :/ so he just can't get his head around it sometimes.

And also we've had to shift my diet to be more protein, I now recognise when I am protein hungry. This was not compatible with his vegi cooking :( We are sure there are ways of doing it but we can't seem to find it (bare in mind I can't have too much soya and no gluten and they were my main protein before).

If you have suggestions for high protein that's not fish then bung below :) And yeah it is mainly fish I crave, I ate lots and lots of fish during my pregnacies as well - so I have a cupboard full of tuna to try and deal with this. But for joint meals it makes things a bit carni smelly for him which isn't really fair.

My birthday is on Wednesday - I'll spend it at the hospital having cognative stuff done and then it is Scouts night so half my family will disappear. I'm doing a krav one off workshop thing at the weekend which I'm kind of wondering why I agreed to it - I mean I'm just going to flab everywhere and trip over my own feet!

Planking... so I was letting Al do the timings and so I know I can go over a minute but I do not want to do that at the mo. Jan is about doing the minute planks due to c-section scar still complaining. Current pattern is 2 days of 1 min planks and then a couple of days off other wise the scar goes "oi!!!" and then I can't even do my kind of pull up things.

I trying to keep in my head how far I have come, how I origonally could not reach the pull up bar, how I can now wear heels instead of stooping over a walking stick....

Still no idea how I am actually going to celebrate my birthday, the kids are both adimant that I must but what with the krav thing and what not I'm kind of running out of dates to do stuff on!

And lastly - I miss cheap pizza and crusty white bread especially when the two collided. Sigh.

Confessions and Sadness (by sarah)

I have a confession, last year was mainly spent pretending that I was ok and everything was fine. But they weren't.

In the summer of 2015 I hit my head, it was a daft stupid accident that was very me, I was dancing and having a good time with Jean as we awaited a band I had stayed late at a festival to see. I work at festivals but due to the physical illnesses I've had I have rarely stayed at them late we have either gone home or slunk back to our camping.

Something happened, not sure what, weather I went dizzy or slipped or passed out etc... but I remember feeling weird and falling. I feel off of the grass and hit the back of my head on the concrete path. My head rang and I thought my eyes where closed.

Jean says they were open, she thought I was dead. I was a pool of pain but remember thinking a) I'd killed myself and thinking "oh know" and b) when I started seeing people standing around me that I needed to get up other wise there was going to be a palava. I then discovered I could not get up...

Several hours later after x-rays and what not I could move again and due to scary people in A&E threatening to kill us all, and police and nurses having to reassure us it was all fine, we just wanted to go home. I could move again by this point so they let us go.

They gave us a leaflet on concussion saying it would last a couple of days and what to do if various things happened. Now my memory is that we met up with Al's parents the next day but apparently it wasn't and I'd just slept for a day which for me doesn't exist.

We went for a meal with Al's parents, I was glazed but coherant, like I was when they were questioning me, I knew who Jean and Al where I just couldn't recall their names, and struggled with my own initially, but I knew why I'd been at the festival. It of corse did not help that medical personal did not believe I wasn't drunk, this has actually left me with a resentment though the medical treatment was great there was definately dismissiveness due to the assumption that you can't be having a good time without intoxication.

So the few days passed and I woke up and things suddenly got worse my speech slurred and I got slow. I posted on FB in dispair about how long was concussion supposed to last, and got a phone call from a friend who heard my speech and spoke to Alaric. The up shot being we called on the medical insurance he had and they were horrified I'd just been left and sent me to A&E with a list of scans and things I needed.

Interestingly going to A&E on a weekday morning meant no one thought I was drunk, I got the scan and there were no major bleeds but I had bruised my brain and it had taken a couple of days for the swelling to act up. It was not bad though and there is basically nothing they could do.

They also found I had growths in my sinuses, they are none cancerous polyps and would be expected in people with food allergies etc... as the allergies being acted up makes them grown (or this is what I've understood).

So basically it was a waiting game, the polyps/sinuses could have made me dizzy, my migraine medication could have lowered my blood pressure, I could have slipped... the festival was fantastic at looking after me when it happened as where Churros Bros.

There were oppointments and things, I don't really remember about 3 months, I know I did stuff, I know I posted to FB and twitter etc... I know I was mainly using speech to txt to do so. I thought I suddenly got brilliant at sudoku but I hadn't I was just filling the grids in randomly and my writing was garbled.

Al says unless we were out I slept, I had lucid realistic dreams that seemed like reality. I was stuck in a mash up of Mad Max films and Water World when I was lucky, at other times it was old sitcoms like Friends and soaps such as Eastenders, Neighbours etc... Alaric run my workshops for me whilst I mainly sat and coloured in but by September I was drastically improving, my speech was mainly normal though I still kept just nodding off and having periods of slurred speech.

I started doing stuff again, I think there was a Science Show Off, a few poetry events and my first acting job which Al was very nervous about and used his lunch break to check I was where I should be etc...

Then Christmas hit - from about mid november I started struggling again. Slurred speech, random times in Bristol where I was taking part in an art initative pop up shop and exhibition, my parents had taken me in for the set up and day shifts and that was fine but I thought I was well enough so I went in by myself on the train, it got dark whilst I was traveling, I was supposed to meet my friends for the launch and my shift. I ended up in the completely the wrong bit of Bristol on the pavement, a worried lady thought I was drunk or something and helped me find my friends and then right bit of bristol.

It slowely became apparent that I was having over load of some sort with all the lights in contrast to the dark nights, the more the contrast and the more flashy the worse it got. Just sitting in the carvery with my parents with multiple sets of christmas lights made my speech slur.

Damn concussion.

Then I went to see the star wars film - this was last year so it was the Rey film. We had free cinema tickets at the time. I didn't remember the last half of the film, so of course I went to see it again with my dad... there are flashy fight scenes. My dad was so worried about me, he said if he hadn't known about the concussion he would have thought I was having a stoke, my speech slurred, I was falling and stumbling as we left the cinema, crashing into people.

Now my dad is a skin flint with money, so I knew something was very wrong when I became aware that I was sitting in the posh coffee place in the Docks with posh coffee. It was the nearest place and he thought I needed to sit and rest.

Flash photography also, including at the comic book festivals cosplay, I have huge guilt over this event. My family where all in the crowd watching I'd managed to find someone to cover my stall so headed up to watch but could not get to them. I stood watching planning to take some photos but... but I started to feel weird and dizzy and realised I was getting over loaded so went to walk away. Coordinating walking was hard, my arms were pins and needles. I saw a young man/boy collapse into a fit and being first aid trained I instinctively went to help except I could not coordinate and kind of just collided with someone who asked me what the matter was, I tried to say the boy had collapsed but found even slurred speech was not happening I think I made some sort of noise.

They looked where I was looking and rushed over, there was lots of help now and I knew I was useless so I got to the hand rails and waited for the vertigo to pass. I then had to have a sneaky nap/eye close at my stall. I still feel so bad I didn't help.

Through out the year there have been other incidences including lasers light, airports and other parents thinking I was drunk at kids parties.

My left hand side doesn't work properly - Alaric says you can't see it until they do the cognative tests and then it becomes obvious I am putting so much extra effort into controlling my left side.

It mucked up my drawings prespective went out the window faces where distorted, drawing took an age.

Sustained concentration made my speech slur. But hey I wasn't sleeping all the time anymore.

Now obviously I've still managed to do stuff and physically I am as fit if not fitter than I have ever been. But numbers... I can't always do numbers and if I am not expecting to see people I don't recognise them, I even lost my friend in a cafe because she put her coat on so she didn't look the same as when we'd met up.

This is a scary position to be in as it means if someone realises this they could pretend to know me. I can't even find my own way to our allotment though I did manage to find the Drs so I should try finding the allotment again!

I'm on a new rest regime as basically my brain is still healing and can't cope with large sustained load, there are no information filters. So lights etc... are a tsumani which floods me.

The seizures are more likely to happen when I am tired and take 3 days to 2 weeks to get over though I'm sort of normal as soon as I've rested I'm just abit clumsy and mentally slow afterwards.

Sustained writing and reading are hard it's like all the coping mechanisms for the dyslexia and ADHD have vanished, the nurologist says this is because they take up more brain power and I just don't have the capacity for that at the moment. I still have voice to text but my god it's an editing mess!

As you can tell by the spat of long blog posts I am finding things alot easier with the rests in place but they do eat the day and any day that I go out is a struggle. The acting in the autumn was fine but lit. it was all I did those days and when I go and perform I have to ask for no flash photography and arties can't seem to help but take flash photography often because they are now drunk and can't remember what I said about it all :/

Also it means I am a pain as I have to ask the events organisers and venues to change the room lighting, I think this is going to plummet the amount of people who want to book me :'(

On the other hand I can now get up and down flights of stairs so all those little venues that where out with the pelvis issues are now accessible to me (if it's not one thing it's another - sigh).

It was this fear of ruining everything I'd built up which lead me to try and hide how hard things where being that and people kept saying things like "concussion only lasts a few days" and "use it or loose it" over brain function.

But I need to be honest because these are the new restraints I am working within and if I am to achieve all I can I need to be working with people who understand and want me still. The summers festivals were more than doable - yes I can't really stay once the light starts to fade so that is the same as when I had the fatigue and pelvic issues it just a different type of fatigue and issue.

And the fatigues are different which is bizar but they are.

Basically I can now get 2 hours of high brain function stuff done a day, this has to be broken up and is still not high high stuff like my maths SOBS. And I spark out into sleep which I awake from and then can do physical house and kid looking after stuff. What I had before was muscle fatigue and inability to sleep due to pain. It is a weird contrast especially as both are called fatigue.

On the plus side - this is all probably transient, in that as my brain rests it heals, the little connections re-grow and retrain and the over loads will hopefully stop and I can have my sparkly flashing lights back.

However there is a sad sad price I have had to pay for this. We were trying to adopt, know when Al attempted to contact the adoption people to explain the head bang when not long after it happened he found that we had dropped off their list and it was going to take ages and I was getting better and a good rate so we spoke to them and started the process again.

And had been moving forward with that and I was improving drastically through the summer, my time lines are a little muddled in that for me 2015 and 2016 are kind of the same year due to memory holes where I just seem to not have put any new memories down :/

So it all seemed fine but then the clocks changed and then nights got dark and the sun got low and flashy through the trees and... well I'm kind of count as a vulnerable adult and it's going to take a while to go away and we made a clanging error in judgement resulting in me having a kind of mini pre-seizure thing whilst out with Mary trying to get her to her Christmas play and the thought of if I'd had a little one with me too was not good. So we decided we'd need to put it all on hold after the last head injuries clinic. Plus it turned out they wanted us to start the process AGAIN!!! Including sending out the stupidly long ref. forms which one of our refs had already filled out twice. I am so sad if the origonal time line had happened I probably wouldn't have been late at the festival as there would have been a small person to look after obv. I might have slipped somewhere else and you know even if my parents had been baby siting them then it would just have been one of those things as they would have already been part of the family. When we thought it was all just going to take a couple of months to get better it was the right thing to continue but we have no idea of time scales at the moment and adopted kids tend to have settling in issues etc... and it just wouldn't be fair. So I am kind of angry at the adoption stuff for being ineffiencent and wasting their chance of finding a home for kids with us. But I also feel guilty because there have been house visits and training courses (we've done twice already as the process keeps changing to make it quicker :/) so I feel we've wasted time and money when all we wanted to do was help.

This is heart breaking for us, we wanted more kids, if/when I am better we can try again but I kind of fear they will be annoyed with us for dropping it this time :( But in all seriousness it scared me going into the seizure stuff whilst out with Mary on my own, I was in the village so like we were bumping into lots of people we know but what if it had been elsewhere?

So yeah I hope we can still adopt or foster in future and I hope that the festivals and events still want to work with me and that I get my shiny lights back. If I don't then I plan to just make winter my creative time and hide in the house as I mostly did this year however that eats into pretty much one of my busiest work periods so is really really not ideal.

Also train travel etc... has been hard as I have to rely on the station staff telling me what train to get on and of course I look normal so sometimes they just fob me off. I was bad enough with trains before due to the dyslexia so if you've wondered why I've not been to see you this is one of the reasons and I am sorry I am not making all the parties and shows and things.

Yeah and shows and cinema, I still enjoy going but do have to spend time looking away and shielding my eyes and I know this is combined with then trying to wine and dine me with my stupid dietry requirements is not brilliant, so I understand if that is not what people want in an outing.

Which is why I am completely failing to organise anything for my birthday.