Coming up to this little ones birth my mind has turned itself inside out with the memories of what happened before with Jean - it keep from overly panicking I have written a couple of poems which make me cry but I think are over all helpful at least to me.
The Fear
Before you were born
The Fear began
Blood marked anxiety
Over your future
Later it grabbed me
By the Lungs
As they injected me
To develop your
So if I died
You could be plucked
Not ready but surviable
Death was a shadow over us
Labour dawned
With complications
A room bristled
With activity
I could say nothing
Just scream
Silently - SAVE MY BABY
Intervention, blood, pain
You were there
And I could speak
Whispering softly
Too Daddy
'Go with the Baby'
His worried eyes boring
Into me
The Fear did not go
They placed you on me
And I sang a grace
'Thankyou'
Thankyou for my
Cone headed, alien-primate
My bueatiful monkey
Ancient and New
In the crib with you
The Fear tingled
As it still does
I check you each night
Even now
As often as I could then
Holding my breath
Checking yours
And as you grow
The Fear
Punctuates my thoughts
The less lickely to choke
The more you run off
Into the world
Of dangers
Fear constricts my mind
But I can not restrain you
Killing out of kindness
Out of Fear
Is still killing
Including the mind death
Stiffling the life
I watch you run
Explore
This is what love
Has wrought me?
This Fear
Fear of loosing you
And yet I would not undo
Would not exchange
The Fear
I would suffer more
For you
My little one
You grow
Grow strong and free
Maybe my fear
Is your blanket
Of protection
Innoculation against
The bad places?
I hope so
What else are
Parents for?
Through my tears and the creation of a dark transient poem I have hit upon the concept of writing a self-help/how to survive book on chronic pain and truma during and pregnancy, child birth and the after math. It would be called the Glass Pelvis. Arrogant? Probably - something that's needed definatly.
I slipped over yesterday which would have been pain full for anyone as pregnant as me but with the seperated pelvis - I could not speak for the tears of pain. This have been quiet bad pain wise as I have had a mini pain flare up with my left arm anyway which sucks as it has ment no proper writing and no guitar practice for about a week now.
Chronic pain has many books on it - but seperated pelvises are relatively new thing in medicine. A great increase has been seen in the last ten years - I have my theories on this involving modern live style and gyms not getting to the right areas that women need strengthened and modern diet with it's additives and loss of various things like sea food.
You see I am on the crutches and it is an issue but I am not anywhere near the state I was in with Jeany and looking at how things like gestational diebetes come about I feel that management of such conditions as the 'broken pelvis' are important. Especially as it can lead to complications and more truma for both mother and child.
Now there was nothing avalible for me when I had Jean and everybody seemed quiet confused over the whole thing. I have been told this time round that even the physios are now giving up with the condition.
So I want to share what I went through, to aliviate some of the isolation that mothers in this sort of position suffer. Of course I also had lots of other things from the miscarriage stuff, to the blood clots to the pre-clampsia and pregnancy induced hyper tension. Even being in the hospital when the bombs went off in London. I think with research and checking with medical people I could produce a good guide to mother who don't have it easy.
Separeted Pelvis is termed symphysis pubis dysfunction or SPD and having seen the result of being not allowed out of bed with Jean's pregnancy (due to blood clots and what not!) I have been desperate to keep my mobility up what ever the pain levels (once I'd checked that there was no danger of baby popping out!). I have interesting comparisions but then this pregnancy has been managed much better - the only issue is that a) the pelvic pain never completely went away from Jeany and b) due to issues I've had I've had a body pumped full of pregnancy hormones on some level for well over a year now meaning that the pelvis has been far more mobile than expected.
The truth is that I didn't now that I would end up on crutches again before the baby was born - becuase I was bed and wheel chair for the last half of Jean's pregnancy the pelvic issues were only found after the birth and was told that it was from the childbirth because of an old back injury and a large baby but they have said this is wrong and it is the hormone levels and stuff. This was a bit of a blow for us but hey I can still walk (with crutches) in the week when my baby is due!
I think the main issue with producing such a book will be that I don't know what a 'normal' pregnancy and labour is like. And even the c-section is going to be interesting on the recovery side of things due to walking with crutches etc...
My mood is fragile at the moment due to the pain I'm in but what is actually concerning me is that after Jean was born I was bunged in a side room at Harold Wood with no one to talk too and depending on shifts was not even given water to drink! (resulting in dehydration and my milk drying up and me then having to suppliment and work hard at getting the milk back again!). People have said it's not like that here but the fear of hospitals is still nagging at me - I am concerned as to what is going to happen to my mood when I get the post birth hormone crash and a hospital stay. I'm hoping that I will just know how to cope with it better this time.
So in some ways I think this is going to be a self help project as well.
Ok here are some pics of me and the purple sparkly electric guitar 🙂 It is a Vintage and if it had been bought new it would have been hundreds of pounds! And I would have had to hit Al on the head for buying it! As it is repairing the damage it got in transit would cost more than three times the sort of money he paid!
Only thing is please bare in mind that I am like ready to drop the sprog in these photos so am a little on the erm... large size! Also these are posed photos from before we got the string for it so I'm not actually playing.
Dad got a string for it today and I have tied ribbon onto it as a strap until I extract my existing strap from my brother - I then played it until my fingers got sore - making about with the nobs and what not - I got an OH YEAH! sound out of it - unfortunatly the only things I can play really well at the more are nursery rhymes so we had a rock version of Goosey Goosey Gander 😉
I tried out some Guns and Roses and Nivana on it too - just to check you know 😉 I haven't a clue what I am doing with it and thin Come As You Are actually sounds better on my old battered acoustic!
I think I am in love.... droool - I think I may make up my own musical genre too. When I have the Purple Vin in my hands I magically transform into Bubble Gum Goth!!!! a.k.a. the Happy Mosher who has not been seen for a few years but is still lurking around 😉
This is my entry to the ESA (European Space Agency) art competition Create Your Space. If you like it you have until the beginning of February (2011) to vote for it. You vote by liking my comment on the ESA image on their Facebook page - here is the link you'll need to tell you how to vote ;). I hope you all like it. I believe you need to "like" the page before you can vote. I am Sarah Snell-Pym and this entry is linked under the image of Christer Fuglesang's Space Walk - it is quiet a way down their wall on Facebook.
Did Life fall into this cradle
This Earth, this home -
We now attempt to climb out of?
Or is it more than a cradle
Some crucible or potters wheel
Shaping and baking us in forms renewed?
Maybe in truth it is a bit of both
And as humanity takes its first toddler steps
We begin to see the variety that our world holds
LIFE -
Life here investigated
In case of alien brethren
Life searched for by the heart if not the mind
As the astronaut steps out into the void
For themselves, for us, for a future
A future - As yet unknown
A future for us all
As we grow too large for this world to contain
A cradle we have explored from end to end
But it is only with eyes freshly opened
To the wonders beyond
That we begin to see what we have missed
That which hides in plan sight
The beauty of our world
We seek its twins, our mirrors -
Its twisted folly of form
OUT THERE
And if we are on our own?
Then look at the wonders the search has wrought
And if we are not?
Then maybe we will truly see ourselves
For the first time
Until then the void is calling
And all these things?
These investigations
These satellites
And images -
Are our jumping off point
Our call to the unknown
Do you wonder what it will answer?
So obviously we have missed any hope of posting things to people so I have drawn a Christmas Mammoth to share with you all - consider it your Christmas card from Us here 🙂
Alaric, Jean, Poems, Sarah, The Family | sarah | 
Mon 24th Jan 2011 3:49 pm | 
Comments (0) 
Subscribe