Astrobiology Blues (by sarah)

So as many people know I wanted to be an astrobiologist and I got quiet close and then a combo of things got in the way - the main one was not actually Jeany but rather the health complications before, during and after the pregnancy. I tried to go back when Jeany started pre-school but again this ended in disastor both financially and again medically. It then became clear that there was no way even if I sorted out the instant issue of me having to pay 'top-up' fees and took another break to completely recover, I still couldn't do it due to Alaric's job and Jeany care.

At the time my mother was going through her second lot of cancer treatment and a few other issues had popped up. I had reached the glass ceiling - I had reached it probably as soon as I got pregnant with Jean but was still determined - now the decission was clear - family verses career.

And so I stopped kidding myself that I was on a 'break' from science and faced up to facts. It didn't help that I was failing at being a web-designer at the same time - a career I had thought should bring in money and be doable from home - except.. except people still expect you to turn up to meetings and things and then I was just shunted to the side by people offering shoddy but cheap web-development and I ran into people assuming I can't do things 'properlly' cos I'm female - I'm sorry but I did get this several times. So travel and child care for no contracts = FAIL. Add in clients refusing to pay for months and it was another no go.

And so before I am 30 years old I am basically on my 3rd career and not with nice financial boosters from the previous ones :/ But rather stupid amounts of debt.

But I thought I'd got over all of this - thought I was being happy with what I am building - having sold a painting, having stories accepted, getting poems short listed etc... I'd even stopped crying everytime I looked at my minerallogy texts books and started reading the texts I'd gotten to help me become a good Astrobiologist. I had and have for a long time had some vague notion of being able to write popular science books - to bring it to the public and when I run the Scouts I spent ages making up projects for their science and astronomy badges etc.. both scientific and craft (like loo roll hubble which I really need to put the how-to instructions up for!).

But I get told - you can't do that unless you are part of the science world. I have also got an issue in not having access to the journals I want nor could I even contemplate a subscription. I don't think I can belong to alot of the groups as you have to be put forward by peers which I now do not have and those I did have either forgotten me or are peeved that I let things get in the way.

And so my science - all that hard work is generally used for what? Advising the odd writer on how to build aliens and alien worlds convincingly, similar with gaming both role playing and computer games and my tentative steps into things like the paleo-art. Most of the time I convince myself that this is all fine - that this is me still being part of the science world. My science/tech poetry etc... the same.

But then there is an announcement about NASA and astrobiology and a deep depression feels me. I wanted to ignore it - after all what was I going to get if I even tried looking into this? Pain over being excluded from the actual scientific community, of not having access to papers nor people to chat about them over coffee or my standard pint of OJ in the bar. No debates, just my mum looking at me slightly blank and my little girl drawing me pictures of 'germs' to cheer me up.

So I tried to ignore it - thinking how stupid it was that I was crying over not being a scientist and putting it down to this lot of pregnancy hornmones.

And then some how from this I found myself scouring the net for any info and finding just how much the general public had got their knickers in a twist with info that was being reported wrong and that there was going to be a press conference live from NASA.

So I rearranged the family evening to watch it and snapped at my family that no they couldn't have my laptop and then spent this morning writing about it on my rarely updated Astronomy blog. This made me feel better - but I still haven't got the paper to read :/ And I'm not even sure why I took notes of the press conference and why I had to write about it.

Part of it was a friend telling me Carl Sagan would be sad if he knew I was hiding from science because I can be active in it. Alaric keeps telling me it's not too late for my science career but really it is. And I have to think like that or I will just be 'waiting' to do real things and miss out on my lovely family. I'm also generally being moppy at the moment - I am stuck - I have a sprained wrist and there is ice so going out even with crutches, even with car is not happening, writing and art are at a minimium and guitar and drums completely out.

I'm afraid I have the Astrobiology Blues and a case of the green eyes of research envy (put it this way I planned an experiment during GCSE biology to try and force microbes to use Si instead of C my reasoning was that they could both form chains and sheets and things - I was going on valencies - I wasn't allowed to run the experiment as it would take to long and be too expensive!).

There isn't really a point to this post by the way - it's just another - this is how I'm feeling.

Short Listed (by sarah)

Tonight I am heading down to Oxford to read one of my poem as part of the Oxford International Womens Festival. I have been short listed 🙂 This makes me very happy - I shall be reading - which makes me nervous!

Event is 7pm-10pm at the East Oxford Community Centre, 17 November Princes St, on the corner of Cowley Road, just city centre side of Cowley Road.

It's like £4 to get in I think - there is music and stuff and hey I'm pregnant and on crutches so it's entertainment just watching me get on stage 😉

Keeping Positive (by sarah)

It is 6:30 in the morning on a Sunday and I am up and awake and in alot of pain. I haven't slept and am feeling down right grotty. Last night before sleep was attempted I got angry with everyone as I fought the pain and then when I tried to leave the room found that my walking had got so bad I had to use my arms on the furniture to get to the stairs where I promtly burst into what were supposed to be quiet tears.

I've been using crutches outside and attempting to keep walking but have been ok on the short distances needed for shuffling round the house but then a few days ago I slipped on something Jean had left on the floor resulting in a painful crunch from my pelvis. Alaric found me clinging to the door frame of her room. Pelvis didn't really settle much after that - and it felt like when you sprain your ankle. Then last night I went out to a poetry ready and music event (which was fantastic) but the step up to the stage was so high that it hurt getting up there too read and I ended reading my poems shaking - I wasn't sure how much was nerves and how much was pain.

Then tonight we went out for mums birthday - it was postponed from Friday due to her having to have a biopsy for another breast lump 🙁 She gets the results next Friday. When we got home I went upstairs to change and as I tried to change into trousers I cried out in pain. My pelvis again - since then I have not even really been able to hobble - I thought it would settle down but hasn't.

The tears were because the pain is so bad but also because though it has been slow going I have been able to move about with the crutches and in the house with out them - getting little bits of say house work done here and there. This last week when Al went to London were iffy anyway as I found I couldn't do anything really - I managed to feed, wash and cloth me and Jean and feed animals and that is it. Mum and Dad arrived to a house where Jean had unmade the setee, there was three days worth of washing up in the kitchen, the fire no lit and rug covered in crumbs.

Things are seeming quiet bad - and suddenly the third trimester of this pregnancy seems to stretch to infinity. Especially when it was seriously suggested that I might like to cut up some fire wood for Barbara as it would be good exercise for me :/ I was sort of hoping that now we have a car that we could go swimming which is about the only thing I'm supposed to do :/

But I am trying to keep positive.

Mum's biopsy will hopefully be fine fingers crossed

And I am getting a replacement string from my guitar and two books of guitar music - Nursery Rhymes and Christmas Carols so I can play and me and Jeany can sing together. I am also focusing on my writing - I am obviously doing Nanowrimo and PiBoIdMo and am now able to get to some of the nano write-ins. I am going to these reguardless of pain other wise all I have is the pain. It is the same with the poetry reading and stuff - besides I really wanted to see the music and probably more importantly talk to my friends (even if they were distracted as they were running the event!).

The main thing I fear at the moment is losing the use of my hands again - but even then I am trying to remember that the hands don't forget the muscle memory I give them they just don't work for a while and yes it takes a while to get full functionality back but what I learn stays lernt. This is important for me with things like the guitar.

I can't say I'm not feeling down because I am = I have lost the freedom I fought to get by no longer being able to get to the bus stop under my own steam and with the way my pelvis is now being I don't think I can even get out of our little bit of valley 🙁

But I got accosted by people who liked my poetry one Friday - including in the girls toilets! And I am going to a Prize Giving as one of my poems has been short listed on Wednesday. This things I am holding dear.

I am writing draft two of the novel I hope to submit to the Pratchette Prize as well which seems like an achievement in itself.

And lastly - this pregnancy is still much much MUCH better than Jeany's plus unlike last time I can see this bueatiful little girl who is being like my best friend most of the time and I think yes it was hard - so hard last time but look what I got! I have my Jeany and I'm going to have another one 🙂

Jean's been asking me to go through the songs I used to sing to her as a small baby - some of which are the same as now and some of which are different. The first song I sang to her was a sung grace saying thankyou I learnt in Kenya. I thought I was going to die with her and then with the miscarriage and infection we were worried that there wasn't a hope for another baby and yet here I am in the third trimester. This makes me happy - honest - even though I cry in pain I am happy.

Spiky Spoken Word (by sarah)

This Friday I am going to be reading my poetry and depending on how brave I'm feeling maybe some of my sort of rap/performance geek poetry at the Frog and Fiddle . It costs about £4 to get in I think and on top of that there is A F Harold who is well worth a watch for his interesting poems (I'm not biased because he used one of my cats names in his Tweet Poetry for the Cheltenham Lit Festival honest!). There is also Men Diamler and Brown Torpedo who I have been meaning to blog about for ages and have like photos of performances and stuff but haven't gotten round to yet!

Men Diamler is what I think of as a sort Nick Cave / White Strips mix with a dark middle English ring to it. He weaves fantastical and often tragic tails in his music and yes I am a fan 😉

Brown Torpedo are erm... well the only way I can think of describing them off the top of my head is, I suppose - Trippy with that sort ethereal swerl allowing dreams of the present day - or something Simon from Uni would make us all listen too and then tell me they don't exist and I imagined them the next day!

NaNo Madness and its Cohorts (by sarah)

I am planning on doing NaNoWriMo again this year - this is National Novel Writing Month - the challenge? To write 50, 000 words in a month - what is being termed a novel but I would consider a novella!

I did this last year and finished with more than 60 K words and met some great people who became my friends 🙂 Local and internationally. Unfortunatly I have already missed the launch parties but hope to be able to get along to a few write-ins (meet ups in coffee shops where you appear with laptops and dare each other to write or alternatively just chat!).

I plan to finish/continue the story I started last year which is slightly cheating but as I view this as my writing goal for the month - I think that's ok. You can follow my progress on Purple Monster - were I keep all my notes, reviews of research material, and raw as I write them chapters of the story! I often bung in the odd writing tip or link to an interesting article. There are a few flash fictions that are based in The Punks universe though at a slightly earlier time period, these can be found on Magenta Monster.

I was going to carry on writing the story all the way through last year but even towards the end of November last year I started having issues with simply not knowing enough about the time period half the novel is set in - ie Tudor England. I have spent alot of time reading history books and I got away with taking over our LoveFilm queue for half the year where I got out all the films and documentories based in the time period I could find. (And yes I know the films are not accurate but sometimes they give you something to go and research!).

As I am also using some alternative tech in the story I have been researching this too - namely optronics and what large scale social computing would be like if centralised and not the internet. Half the story is set in the near future and is basically cyber punk so I have been reading my way through the cyber punk novels we have in the house.

I want to beat last years word count 🙂 But being pregnant and stuff means that this may be tricky - I am however still going to try.

The other challenge I am doing is PiBoIdMo (Picture Book Idea Month) which I also did last year - this makes a nice counter balance to the Nano for me. And as I have had a great reaction from Jean from stories that came out of this and the picture book writing week - I am definatly doing this again! I am keeping track of all this stuff on Orange Monster if anyone is interested!

I am also doing the rewrite of a novel I hope to submit to the Terry Pratchette Prize so all in all that is a lot of work and I am aware I probably will not get it all done especially with my hands acting up the way they are - but I can but try. And at the end of the day anything I get done is a bonus 🙂