Astrobiology Blues (by sarah)

So as many people know I wanted to be an astrobiologist and I got quiet close and then a combo of things got in the way - the main one was not actually Jeany but rather the health complications before, during and after the pregnancy. I tried to go back when Jeany started pre-school but again this ended in disastor both financially and again medically. It then became clear that there was no way even if I sorted out the instant issue of me having to pay 'top-up' fees and took another break to completely recover, I still couldn't do it due to Alaric's job and Jeany care.

At the time my mother was going through her second lot of cancer treatment and a few other issues had popped up. I had reached the glass ceiling - I had reached it probably as soon as I got pregnant with Jean but was still determined - now the decission was clear - family verses career.

And so I stopped kidding myself that I was on a 'break' from science and faced up to facts. It didn't help that I was failing at being a web-designer at the same time - a career I had thought should bring in money and be doable from home - except.. except people still expect you to turn up to meetings and things and then I was just shunted to the side by people offering shoddy but cheap web-development and I ran into people assuming I can't do things 'properlly' cos I'm female - I'm sorry but I did get this several times. So travel and child care for no contracts = FAIL. Add in clients refusing to pay for months and it was another no go.

And so before I am 30 years old I am basically on my 3rd career and not with nice financial boosters from the previous ones :/ But rather stupid amounts of debt.

But I thought I'd got over all of this - thought I was being happy with what I am building - having sold a painting, having stories accepted, getting poems short listed etc... I'd even stopped crying everytime I looked at my minerallogy texts books and started reading the texts I'd gotten to help me become a good Astrobiologist. I had and have for a long time had some vague notion of being able to write popular science books - to bring it to the public and when I run the Scouts I spent ages making up projects for their science and astronomy badges etc.. both scientific and craft (like loo roll hubble which I really need to put the how-to instructions up for!).

But I get told - you can't do that unless you are part of the science world. I have also got an issue in not having access to the journals I want nor could I even contemplate a subscription. I don't think I can belong to alot of the groups as you have to be put forward by peers which I now do not have and those I did have either forgotten me or are peeved that I let things get in the way.

And so my science - all that hard work is generally used for what? Advising the odd writer on how to build aliens and alien worlds convincingly, similar with gaming both role playing and computer games and my tentative steps into things like the paleo-art. Most of the time I convince myself that this is all fine - that this is me still being part of the science world. My science/tech poetry etc... the same.

But then there is an announcement about NASA and astrobiology and a deep depression feels me. I wanted to ignore it - after all what was I going to get if I even tried looking into this? Pain over being excluded from the actual scientific community, of not having access to papers nor people to chat about them over coffee or my standard pint of OJ in the bar. No debates, just my mum looking at me slightly blank and my little girl drawing me pictures of 'germs' to cheer me up.

So I tried to ignore it - thinking how stupid it was that I was crying over not being a scientist and putting it down to this lot of pregnancy hornmones.

And then some how from this I found myself scouring the net for any info and finding just how much the general public had got their knickers in a twist with info that was being reported wrong and that there was going to be a press conference live from NASA.

So I rearranged the family evening to watch it and snapped at my family that no they couldn't have my laptop and then spent this morning writing about it on my rarely updated Astronomy blog. This made me feel better - but I still haven't got the paper to read :/ And I'm not even sure why I took notes of the press conference and why I had to write about it.

Part of it was a friend telling me Carl Sagan would be sad if he knew I was hiding from science because I can be active in it. Alaric keeps telling me it's not too late for my science career but really it is. And I have to think like that or I will just be 'waiting' to do real things and miss out on my lovely family. I'm also generally being moppy at the moment - I am stuck - I have a sprained wrist and there is ice so going out even with crutches, even with car is not happening, writing and art are at a minimium and guitar and drums completely out.

I'm afraid I have the Astrobiology Blues and a case of the green eyes of research envy (put it this way I planned an experiment during GCSE biology to try and force microbes to use Si instead of C my reasoning was that they could both form chains and sheets and things - I was going on valencies - I wasn't allowed to run the experiment as it would take to long and be too expensive!).

There isn't really a point to this post by the way - it's just another - this is how I'm feeling.

Being Demanding (by sarah)

I'm afraid that after last year of a single fan heater and the gas fire in the office and an exploding solid fuel fire and frozen water pipes I have been a bit militant this year. The year before we used the gas parabolics but I ended up rejecting them for rooms with a hyper small child plus they were only supposed to be tempory - Alaric thought his big gas heater could replace them.

The new fire works woderfully but it is still not enough to heat the whole house in the snow. Now Alaric doesn't feel the cold like I do so I stole his thermometer to prove how cold it gets - I then checked what acceptable work place temperatures. I have since obtained a large roll of bubble wrap and demanded it be put up on the windows - there are still a few upatairs that need doing.

I have also broken the covernant and bought - oil filled radiators (well actually mum and dad loaned me some money for some and I moaned at Alaric until he bought a third and then without even consulting him I have perchased a forth). These are making a suprising difference to the over all temperature of the house - as in I can actually do some things in the morning.

Of course Alaric got me the heated blanket and stuff last year which has been brilliant and my hot pads.

I am being militant for Jeany and Alaric as well as me and baby (who is due end of Jan so there could still be snow). I know he's trying to do whats right for his family - we're still working our way out of debt ect... so fuel budget was specifucally calculated and he's worried radiators will hike our electricity bill drastically and that we wont be able to pay it and be cut off and then have no way to work or cook etc.. He is not being some big troll being mean - which is what some people have suggested.

But I think on this one I have to do whats safest for my family and that includes him - I don't want him hurt again like last year and I suppose I am just being more militant about the house due to pregnancy - though it's in a worse state than ever as I just can't tidy very well 🙁

This post is being written one handed due to wrist acting up - which means crutches are a no go except for vital things and my main craft and writing are out as well which sucks.

I am aware that Alaric is struggling at the moment with work (still being up till stupid o'clock and being tired all the time) and I feel bad for putting this extra worry on him - but radiators just plug in and give heat and are easy. Part of it is - talking to Barbara and her friends I started to think it was me over reacting about the cold. But I have been talking to other mothers - and my conclusion is that I am right - my child/children need warmth - apart from the fact that I can't move at all if I get too cold.

What I'm hoping is that with my overdraft paid off as of yesterday - I can use my money and family allowance to pay any excess electricity costs. Leaving the fuel budget for the wood and the gas heater.

Icy = Fail (by sarah)

So I have been desperatly trying to keep the house warm - the new fire that my brother got is great - as long as there is fuel and kindling for me to light it and keep it going at a the rate of about one descent log every half hour. This fuel and kindling also needs to be dry and in the house where I can reach it.

But things have turned colder so I burnt the wood faster than normal to get the house up to 10 degrees :/ I put the electric heater on that Mum got us as well even though Alaric always moans about this.

The warmest I got the house was 12 degrees.

I left a goodly amount of wood in the fire over night and it was still glowing this morning, but I still struggled to light the fire - mainly as Alaric hadn't had time to get dry kindling and so had broken up a load of wet twigs for me - he'd hoped they would dry out.

I think it would have been fine if we hadn't had a power outage but after getting Jean ready for school she found ice all over the inside of the door 🙁 And then we looked at the other windows and they all had ice too 🙁 - obviously I have the thermal curtian and stuff over the door, including the draft excluder but - my home is too cold >:( If mum and dad weren't almost here I would be looking at a day of either painfully bringing in logs one at a time or having no fire. I'm not sure how many logs I could bring in like this nor the fact that I would let all the heat I do have out in getting them inside 🙁

It's been working quiet well with Al getting logs in in the morning and me maintaining the fire why he works but I really can't do it on my own 🙁 Plus, he seems to be coding until like 3 am every morning and going straight to the computer in the mornings - making meals which he eats at the computer etc... So I'm struggling to do housework - even loading the dishwasher is a mammoth task at the moment 🙁

Now the ice is making it so that the lady who picks Jean up wont be able too for safty reasons - when it was like this last year we walked Jean up to school. But I can't 🙁 I can't walk that far on ice, on crutches, up a steep hill when I've already hurt myself getting her dress and maybe lighting the fire? It would take me at least 40 minutes to reach the school anyway and then there's no where to sit and have a coffee to recuporate - I'd have to turn round and come back and then do it all again for the 3 o'clock pick up. I know this would only be Thursday and Friday when Al's in London but if he continues going in then I can't think of away to get Jean to the school - I really can not do it.

I had a Dream (by sarah)

Actually I've been having lots of very vivid dreams which doesn't bode well for sugar levels but I haven't got the results of the Glucose Tests back yet - by this time with Jean's pregnancy I had gestational diabetes. But then I often have vivid dreams - many of them are what is termed lucid and I have some sort of control on them. Part of this is the fact that when pain levels are high I don't actually go to sleep properly so I am in a sort of resting trance. They have benifits but it makes it harder for you body to repair itself from injuries - this isn't mumbo jumbo this was out of the Drs mouth at the pain clinic when they attempted to medicate my sleep when we lived back in Essex.

Anyway I thought I really needed to share lasts nights dream. It starts with me trying to get to a PhD interview at Reading University - the PhD is about modeling other solar systems and exo planets etc... I have no idea if Reading does this sort of thing but it was Reading in the dream - the only issue was Alaric was running late so instead of having a nice sedate drive to the interview we had to high jack a state of the art plane from the local army base type place.

As we took off I noticed the tail wasn't actually attached to the plane but the whole thing was segments held together a bit like a kite - the tail itself looked remarkably like a cray fishes or something lobstery only in shiny metal.

We get to the university and I am late - I haven't read the notes on what the things is actually about but they agree to see me anyway as there is only one other candidate - a UG astrophysics girl. I then proceed to think on the spot and tell them that they need to reassess everything. I tell them that what they need in a lovely large database with a nice archive mode - this is sort of a giant wiki with the ability to pull meta structures from the data such as phase diagrams. You see I don't just want to make a database of the planets and the physics but why not add all of mineralogy and astronomy?

Why not had layers where people can choose the data to run their simulations and the like? In the dream I'm in a pale yellow room with aging equipment and they are like - we don't have the money to pay the programmers and our stuff never quiet works.

Of course it doesn't I crow - your not programmers and you just use which ever language you happen to have picked up. Then I tell them not to worry - I'll make the database - I'll make the initial system and we can have people adding their own stuff!

It would be massive and everyone would argue about things added which is were the archive system would come in - they could just take an previous theory ect... With this we could easily extrapolate the composition of planets around other stars. It could have the ability to swap between notations so no more issues over what a Chemist calls a metal compared to a Geologist compared to a Astrophysist etc...

I have to say at this point there was decent in the interviewers - there is of course a problem of who the data belongs too and would we have to pay and keep it secret - that would hamstring the project - it would kill alot of their grants dead etc... alter the peer review system. Subjects that I have touched on before whilst awake!

But then I point out that it would have commercial applications and launched into a whole thing about the gaming industry being a growth sector and how you could build games engines on this thing! (again this is something we are sort of doing anyway in the real world but not with real physics).

I point out that scifi authors and the like would love to get their mitts on such a database too - for it would make world building a lot simpler and you could make smaller custom ones.

They were still like but we need someone to make all this and we just wanted a data monkey to enter numbers into spreed sheets. I laugh and say I can build it for them (I can't but I'm planning on using an advance version of Alaric's Ugarit.).

Anyway it ended with me negotiating to mainly work from home and stuff.

Part of me is now going - this needs to become real! We need to have this database - an extention on an idea I had a few years ago! And Alaric was like that is exactly the sort of thing the archive mode of Ugarit would be good for. The arogance of me in the dream was a suprise though. Besides last time I had a PhD interview I told the person their project was recording the wrong things - which didn't go down too well :/ And this dream is just that rite large - plus there is no way I am going to be doing anything academic for a while either - but it was a cool dream non the less!

Short Listed (by sarah)

Tonight I am heading down to Oxford to read one of my poem as part of the Oxford International Womens Festival. I have been short listed 🙂 This makes me very happy - I shall be reading - which makes me nervous!

Event is 7pm-10pm at the East Oxford Community Centre, 17 November Princes St, on the corner of Cowley Road, just city centre side of Cowley Road.

It's like £4 to get in I think - there is music and stuff and hey I'm pregnant and on crutches so it's entertainment just watching me get on stage 😉