Of Biopsies and Dreams and 5 Dimensional Poetry (by sarah)

Today I went to the Drs for my biopsies and de/re-coiling and a chat but unfortunatly the chat took up too much of the time - what with the fact I've had a biopsy that showed polyps not being in their records for me etc... But I am actually feeling alot happier about the whole thing after the chat - I've signed the consent forms and have another appointment when it will all happen and have the good news that the swabs were all negative drastically reducing the chances of nasty things like pelvic infections.

I had to go in with out Alaric as the baby was being full of beans and as always I found it difficult to get the words out to the Dr. It's like my brain goes - ARG! A doctor!

I'm going to have another coil put back in as it is pretty much the only option open to me to thin the womb lining down and having looked at family history it seems the best course of action. Unless something happens like perforiation or the biopsies show something nasty up all this should not have an impact on my fertility. But due to the thickness I am looking at a good long stint of bleeding once the coil is put in (hopefully in the right place this time). So I maybe going onto the pill aswell initially to reduce just how much it will bleed.

The coil is going in specifically to thin the womb lining - I hope it works but I have to wait a month for this next bit due to the over capacity nature of the Drs Surgery.

So that is that and then there is my dream!

Last night I had a dream in which I had made this poetry book out of fabric and lace and different textures. It was a textiles visual poem but more than that - it had my written poetry in and the words actually spoke, the words were woven in and around the substance of the book and the substance of the book told it's own story as did the type and placement of the letters - it was a bueatiful thing.

And then David Tennant (spiky haired Dr Who) appeared and he looked at this textile book and was in love with it and the power of my words and he wanted me to write Dr Who episodes with Neil Giamon. He was convinced that anyone who could produce such a book as that would write amazing Dr Who episodes. In my dream I was embarrased and was trying to explain that I had once been asked to try and write an episode before the new lot started but that I didn't as I thought I had to take into account the film that shall not be named! (This bit actually happened to me whilst I was at Uni but mainly as I was on the right mailing list at the right time).

As I was trying to explain assasins from the future appeared to destroy the book and maybe kill me - I had been encoding the concousness of the universe in the patterns within the book and other pieces of my work - that is why they had such awe and power.

Just as it looked like it was curtains for me Alaric (hubby) appeared and turned out to be an actual Dr Who and defeated the assassins with the gadgets within his coat of many pockets (those of you who know us will be laughing at this bit!).

This was a great dream and I was sad to be rudely awoken from it by Alaric asking where the school uniform for Jeany was this morning.

Now last night I went to sleep mulling over the story line/arch for the series I am currently working on - I plan to write the middle book for NaNoWriMo and I have gotten a long way into the first book of this trilogy. This would sort of explain the book being a code but more than that - I have actually been trying to work out how to make a piece of textile visual poetry since seeing the little knitted bits at the Cheltenham Lit Fest. Also last night just before I went to bed I was noodling around on this blog. Add in the Placebo music and the dream makes a bit more sense.

From this dream I now have a much better idea of what I want to make with regards to my poetry and textiles. And that is 5D textile and wearable electronics highbred of visual, audio and the written word. It is not 4D as though there is a sense of narrative there is no one correct direction of flow. The whole thing can fed back into itself and go round in loops, jump over several pages and so forth. I may have it as a ball book rather than a standard bound tome. It is forming in my mind and it is beuatiful and complex.

The Monday To Moan (by sarah)

Monday is my day to get things done - Mary is at nursery and Jean at school until 4!

But this Monday I was awaiting a phone call from the Dr to discuess what was going to happen about the bleeding and coil and things so I made sure my phone was there next to me. However it had broken and switched itself to silent so I missed the phone call, I then could not get it off of silent no matter what I tried and even with people trying to help me via facebook and twitter. It was the Drs line so I had to await the next phone call.

I wasn't feeling to good anyway as I've been suffering with muscle spasms again and the whole of my left hand side was in pain or writhing benieth my skin unpleasently - I just wanted to go back to bed. But I took my pain killers and attempted to get on with things. It then occured to me that I was still attempting to use Alaric's old beaten up laptop. This became apparent as another 'deathline' appeared on the screen. It now has eight perminent lines going from the top from the bottom. So I prodded about my laptop and it turns out Apple still have not sent the replacement part so it could be another five days! I have now been without it since the end of August :/ For something that should have taken five days max to fix.

I got the phone call just as Jean turned up home from school an hour early - I'd forgotten that they cancel the clubs on parents evening week. The Dr said they were basically going to send me for swabs to check for infection before they do anything - they'd booked me in an avalible space on Wednesday morning as the surgery is so over subscribed they had to pounce on the appointment slot when they saw it. Then on the 30th if I am infection free they are going to remove the coil and take biopsies to check exactly what the thickening is. Then they want to replace the coil in the hope that it's edometreoscies and that it will help it. They will chat to me about all the options when I get there. The fact the coils not been in the right place might mean we can still treat things with hormones - lets hope. But I am still wigged out by the fact that I could have ended up pregnant and still have the coil inplace.

So anyway I then had Jean home early and the TV set is so broken that I declared we could not watch anything on it as it is probably a fire hazard! So we went up to the attic and she helped me with one of my art projects which was really nice but not novel writing :/ A cat threw up in the kitchen - this never used to be a problem but I am increasingly finding I am over sensitive to smell and like morning sickness - I get very nueause.

Alaric then arrived home to inform me that the nursery had been trying to phone me as Mary was sick - I'd stopped phone watching once I'd had the Drs call :/ Mary has Chicken Pox and is miserable and there is nothing to watch DVD's on whilst I snuggle her plus the snuggling is going to cause the flare up to get worse. Poor Alaric has also pulled a muscle in his back again and so can hardly walk.

SO I thought I would just get it all off my chest in a little moan - not a good start to the week in my opinion.

Womb Gloom (by sarah)

Wednesday I went to the hospital for the much awaited scan and though it was only an ultra sound it hurt more than any I've had whilst pregnant :/ Just everything round there is really sensitive at the moment. I was cross about the scan - I had been waiting for it for weeks this time and I had recieved a letter informing me I had missed it so I'd had to phone up to book and be told off for something that was not my fault and made to feel small due to the Royal Mail being crap. And to make it worse the health visitor didn't turn up when she was supposed to be visiting me - this annoyed me no end.

Anyway the lady doing the scan was lovely and had a conversation with Al about the machine. The initial thing was it was weird there being not baby in there but we could see a line which was the coil and the coil is in the wrong place. So in the wrong place it is going to have been doing nothing >:( but worse than that I could have gotten pregnant and had the baby and the coil in there at the same time.

I am I admit it paranoid about things going wrong and I had felt that I had regected the coil just before the bleeding came back (it stopped for about 6 weeks after an initial large increase in the bleeding after the coil had been put in but then I felt like I had a series od contraction type things and the bleeding started again.) but the coil was still their when they looked so I had to go away and come back after it had been in a year. And though I thought I was over reacting about it I didn't trust it and so have been shall we say double careful which I am now so so gratefull for it is untrue.

Anyway I was told to phone the Drs and sort an appointment for a weeks time but had struggled to get through to them. Finially I got through today and I couldn't make an appointment like that - the earliest was the second week of Novemeber which the receptionist and me agreed was no good, So I had to wait for a Dr to phone so that they could book me in one of the ermergancy slots.

They were supposed to phone before one but the specialist that they want to deal with me couldn't be tracked down so I got the phone call as Jeany was coming in from school. The issue is that it is not just the coil in the wrong place but that their is inflamation and the womb linning is too thick. So they want to have a meeting to discuess my best options and then I can come in and see them. The Dr is going to phone me back again on Monday.

The thing is that the more I've thought about it the more I really want that other baby - I suppose that will always be the case with me and Al though when ever menopause or womb stuff happened. We had wanted to finish having babies in our 30's but did sort of think we would have the whole of our 30's. But I've found out that menopause has a tendency to hit women in my family in their 30's or endometreosis occurs again in the 30's so I'm feeling as hopeful as I had been.

And yes I realise that I am lucky I have my two lovely girls and a hubby who has not gotten fed up with me even though I have been basically pre-menstral for 19 months! But I am feeling hacked off. Many of my friends haven't even started their families yet and if I'd followed my 'career' path I probably would have only just started thinking about kids now.

Goals and Plans and Contingencies (by sarah)

I've been thinking about where I am going as a person again. The career that I have built for myself is bitty and unreliable but is becominig more structured. I have discovered that trying to do any of it for money soley is a no go. Trying to do stuff for other people doesn't tend to work that well either. What does work is just having skill and abilities that people can call on and a body of pre made work that people can consume or choose from.

Having said that I do want to take more commissions for the science-art side of things.

However that isn't really what I want to write about - what I want to talk about is the physical and mental side of me. I have just finished a shopping trip. The first one without a walking stick or trolly to lean on and yes I was in pain at the end but not much! This is a great goal for me - achieved. But I have others.

I have started belly dancing classes and quiet frankly I suck at it but it has only been two weeks and it is mainly for my mobility and core muscle strength that I am doing it. I am also going for a walk daily with the baby. My aim is to be able to go out cheesy clubbing with my friends just before Christmas.

My second aim is to be able to wear a pair of high heels on Christmas Day even if it is just for half an hour - Jean has been helping me with this one - ie she picks a pair of shoes I put them on and stand up in them - I even managed to take some steps yesterday. However I will not be going clubbing in heels - oh no!

So that is the aim - both physical and mental but there is more to the mental side. I shall be taking part in NaNo again as it gives me goals and a right to set large chunks of time aside to do well me stuff - writing, drawing and drinking coffee.

And then we are back to the issue that is plagueing me at the moment - the thought that I may have to have a hysterectomy. We have decided that we will try and avoid that - the bleeding is not life threatening and if the aneamia is bad again then they can give me stuff to tackle it, also I can still try the minni pill aswell and just hope it doesn't increase the headaches or the temper. One option if the scan is fine is having another baby but there is no way I can do that yet. So if scan is fine I will be aiming to get fit and as strong as I can and then to try for another baby in one or two years and just hope the bleeding remains at a low level.

If the bleeding increases or the scan is bad and I have to have my womb removed I shall continue my excersise stuff - needed even more as there will be core muscle issues and hormone thearapy involved. The hormone thearapy is a bit of an issue due to the breast cancer risks and mum having a) had HRT and b) having had breast cancer twice. But that verses premature old age and osteoperosis which is not pleasent either (watched my nan suffer with that one). Basically if this happens then I will do all the medical stuff that is recommended.

Mentally this would be a huge blow to me but not as huge as it could be - I have my lovely girls and a supportive husband. What I have decided to do is if this happens is as follows - I will hopefully slim down again and with out the issue of more pregnancies I could have my pelvis wired and stop alot of the pain and also if I could reduce the scaring on my belly enough I would get that naval piercing I've always wanted - that will be my treat - my this is me and the shit has hit the fan but I showered it off and am still going dancing.

I may even get a butterfly tattoo if I get brave enough.

I have really appreciated all the help and support I have had from friends and family, you have all been amazing and put up with me too!

A Mostly Bad Day with Wonderful Highlights but still… (by sarah)

Warning contains icky stuff about 'women's problems'

Today I awoke in a foul mood, I mean really bad, I slammed doors! The issue? Mainly that I have menstral cramps and have had for days yet again. I am still spotting most of the time with a few days here and there with nothing and the coil has been in a year - I am having at least two 'periods' or patches of heavier bleeding a month.

The bleeding this morning was heavyish and so once the school rush was over I did some drawing and crying and drinking of hot drinks.

I went back to bed after drawing three lovely cartoons that are the beginning of a series and when I woke up the bleeding was light again and I felt a lot better. So I did house hold type stuff and finished reading Iron Sunrise. Jean came home and loved my pictures and suggested some more ideas and I drew another one and a picture for her to colour once she had finished doing some more maths (she does 'home school' after real school just for fun :/).

I made us a packed dinner and when Al arrived home we went straight to my Drs appointment. I am booked in for a glucose fasting test and some other bloods for the aneamia and things and then she got another Dr to come and talk to me about the bleeding. I was examined which has really acted my pelvis up as it always does and then booked in for a scan to check the uterus and things out but from the outside (which is still inside me!) it looks fine and the coil is in the right place and everyting.

So the scan is probably going to come back fine and it is just the way I am and 12 months into having a coil (put in to stop the bleeding) it is not going to get any better. If the scan comes back fine I will start taking the minni pill as well to try and stop things - I was taking a strong strong dose of this at the beginning and it did not go well with my moods and temper but that isn't such a problem at the lighter doses.

But the main thing the Dr emphasised is that I will probably have to put up with the bleeding if I am considering ever having more kids as they are running out of non invasive options ie zapping the womb linning with lasers (I think thats what she ment anyway) or having my womb cut out/removed (I am not even going to attempt to spell the technical though it does sound far less icky and scary).

This has not made me happy as you can imagine.

Anyway hopefully the minni pill will work.

We went straight from there to the belly dancing group I've joined and though my pelvis was too sore to do some of the things this week (being my second session), I really enjoyed it especially as they were doing veil work.

Then we got home to find a strange phenomenon - there were maggots all over the pavement! EVERYWHERE including outside our house - we assume that a cat kill has ruptured and the wet warm weather has them thinking everything is a corpse shudders. This for me was a nightmare scenario - I really do not like maggots and had a whole truma getting in the house. Poor Alaric has spent like an hour washing them all off the pavement for me so that I can sleep tonight. He washed mine and Jeany's shoes as well which were dumped in a panic on the front door step. Just writting this makes me itch - I hate them and the bleeding thing makes me more paranoid about them gag.

But after my shower I have made tardi (as in lots of tardises as in more than one Tardis) for Jeany and her friends and then got to play on Al's laptop. Today has had some brilliant things in it but mainly it has been awful and I hate intense days like this.