Monday and Tuesday I didn't have Alaric or Dad here nor was there Barbara for most of it and I just cried alot and pretty much did nothing other than trying not to cry infront of Jean who has decided mummy is sad and keeps stroking me.
Wednesday Al went off and did his Cub stuff anyway and I found myself on my own in the evening. Thursday I walked around Cheltenham in a daze waiting for my poetry reading. mysteriously I came home with two pairs of very lovely boots - these cost me under ten pounds for both - not entirely sure how I managed that. Friday just curlled away from me and I spent the day chasing things I'd neglected and typing up a children's story I've written.
Now its Saturday and Alaric is off chasing work and then has the Farrier Stomp with Scouts which is an annual night hike thing and will absorb him for the whole evening. I need him at the moment but unfortunatly we also need him to work. Alex's death has left a whole becuase though generally I didn't, I had the option of asking him round when it was a week like this or I could at least txt him and know that I had a friend who could come and see me. Thats gone now and I have almost texted him several times now.
They let me open the night instead of the guest speaker and so the whole night was dedicated to Alex's memory. But there is no funeral yet as it has gone to corporate manslaughter 🙁
Tonight I am going to be doing my fourth Earshot at Slak Comedy Club in Cheltenham, I am going to read out a geology poem called Rivers it isn't a very good poem but its the only one I had got round to showing him. Then I am going to read one about feelings in the abstract that I condensed out of dream. It is about a butterfly called chaos and probably makes no scense to anyone but me.
I have been writing lots of stuff about Alex and finding old poems about the caving and stuff we did. Poetry wasn't his thing but he would meet up with me before the events somewhere in Cheltenham.
I'm strangly not nervous when normally I'm petrified of readings - I find I just dont care and its like functioning outside of me. I am an automaton.
I didn't do my Scouts tonight as I just couldn't face it. Scouts was one of the things that me and Alex always talk about and he was helping with my programme of event so I dont know what to do. I feel like I've been letting people down but I know I'd just dissolve into tears and that wouldnt be good for the kids.
Mum's second partial mastektamy in the other breast went much better than expected. They used a different tequnic but worringly to me they also did not take any lymph nodes this time. They say they don't need to but then they origonally told her she didn't have cancer when the origonal scan shows both lumps in both breasts and from that they told her she was in the clear.
If they had looked properlly later on they could have just done one operation on her a year ago for both lumps and delt with it all. Instead its two lots of operations and depending on the results of the biopsy from the lump they've removed it may be another third operation to remove the lymph nodes to see how its spreading and then more radiotherapy.
But she is in hoping its all ok as are we and she has been knitting like a demon!
Sarah | sarah | 
Sat 13th Sep 2008 9:03 am | 
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