Yesturday was the fifth Halloween(four yrs) me and Al have seen together as a couple - Halloween is actually the date of our first date!
We went for a wonder around Cheltenham and then like all those years ago we went and had dough balls in Pizza Express - the staff where all funkily dressed and we took Jean with us in her little spider outfit. The only strange thing was that as we came up to the van to load Jean in to head to Cheltenham it was a blood/firey orange sunset with a scary cloud formation that really did look like some sort of ethereal skeleton horse galloping through the skies - even Al commented on the fact it looked like this complete with colour!
This I have to say stupidly unnerved me - it just looked so creepy.
So after the meal we haeded back and I did a record punkin carving in about ten mins so that it would be glowing at our window at midnight - silly imagination running wild I have! We also made sure all the cats where in and worried when at 10 too Al found Babara collecting apples from the stream or some such. As the witching hour approached I had my remeberance/ancestor candle things I light for the dead alight (I know light appears to many times in that sentance!).
We then tidied to occupy us whilst the spookies were abroad then feeling a bit silly and sheepish we blew all the candles out and went to bed having a discuession on the fact that I have evolved my own symbolism and Al being proceeding to be the fourth person to state that I had come up with the protents or fundimentals or some such of Chaos Magik. What ever it is - it made me feel better - I have always burnt things like candles or presants I've made for the dead - I think it started when Nanny Pym died when I was like 7 - I had already made her birthday card and I found out she was going to be cremated so I chopped it up and burnt it cos obviously smoke rises and goes to heaven and then the particles get reconstrated in heaven. You should have seen how worried I was when I found out that rubbish was burnt! (I'm serious!).
Well that is a lot of silly waffle so I think I'll go to bed now!
p.s. edited cos I had an off by one error moment as Halloween is our 0 if that makes scense and I just counted the yrs!
Jean is becoming a proper mini person these days - her baby sign is improoving drastically including making up her own variations on them. On of the things she does is keep asking for more food until she has stuff in her mouth and something in each hand, or at least this is what she was doing. Now she stores it out of sight in the hope we wont realise and will give her more - we've been caught out by this one once or twice now. She got very indignant when I removed her store of grapes - lots of NO and snorting on her part plus 'grumpy donald duck' face.
The other interesting thing is her interaction with the cats. She feds them - I have to be really quick when nipping to the kitchen or what ever other wise they are eating out of her hand - this is only the kittens and not Minni - I have taken to turfing them from the house if I'm going to feed her! However she did get very annoyed with them when she had stashed something and they started trying to drag it away to eat it - she was really indignant with them - of course I upset everyone by throwing the cracker away!
She also says 'itan' which we assume is kitten as she is normally pointing at them whilst saying it. She hugs the 'itans' which they tend to tolorate until she starts trying to stroke them at which point they rapidly move to just out of her reach - she then crawls after them and everone goes round in circles. She just points at Minni these days, iterestingly she doesnt call Minni 'itan' she has a sound sort of like 'mmmack' so goodness knows what shes thinking with that one!
Minni seems to have grown to tolorate the kittens, especially H - she sometimes still attacks poor He but will sit next to H. She even eats next to them sometimes to eat!
The kittens are so funny to watch eating if Minnis got to the big plate before them - they then have to both eat from her little bog bowl thing and sort of push each others heads out of the way, they get steadily faster and faster and more and more insistant but without actually attacking each other - its quiet amazing to watch really. They are sort of polite about it somehow.
The last thing I have to say about the cats is that they all have very distinctive personalities that we have observed. If confronted with something that say hurt them on investigation - Minni would run away like a streak of black lightning, He would run out of range then turn and glare at what ever it was whilst H who is the cute bimbo would go 'ooo pretty, ouch, ooo pretty ouch.....' and so on ad infonitium. She also falls of chairs and falls into the stream generally by stretching and then rolling in the wronge direction. She has also accidently jumped into a bath of water - how she could have failed to notice we had removed the chaning table I dont know!
I choose to writ this down even though I said I wouldnt writ raw emotions again after the disastorous post I made approximatly this time last year. I'm posting this becuase I know most of my friends and family read it and they need to understand how I'm handling things at the moment - but there is no way I could communicate properlly verbally about these things.
I'm not entirely sure how I am reacting to things - when Amber died (a friend from sixth form) I cried and cried and drew her pictures and wrote to her perants. The pain is sometimes still so keen within me, but that was five yrs ago now (I think never good with dates). But I havent cried for my friend yet - I am crying at every thing else though - the beginning of the film Narnia for example.
I refused to believe the news - I convinced myself that it was going to be some nasty, stupid hoax, but its not. I feel that I was not a good friend and that I do not deserve to feel this bad and then feel guilty for turning his death into a drama for myself. I dont know what to say to those who were very close to him - I am worried for them and want to 'mother' them but dare not actually try and initiate proper contact.
Ella and Tish have helped me and I thank them even if I wasnt focused or very coherant on the phone to them.
I have another issue and this one concerns me highly - I have no idea how those affected will react to this and have debated how to talk about and cant - I am ANGRY - yes I am angry and I seem to not be able to get passed this emotion. I am annoyed that he has done this - annoyed that I hear the pain and anguish in my friends voices. Annoyed that he has put people in this position.
But I shouldnt be... He was obviously not happy and I shouldnt be judging him - so why cant I rid myself of the notion of a selfish act? Why cant I morn properlly? Why do I even deserve to morn?
I am aware of just what a bad friend I am - I am hopeless at keeping in contact with people - I loose phone number and addresses or find them when they are out of date - I rely on friends telling other friends whats happening etc... I have been particually bad for the last two yrs - having spoken to people I realise just how much I have missed of everybodies lives. I almost laughed whilst in this frame of mind - fearing that I had lost many more friends and didnt even know cos I had lost the contact detials when a phone call on my ever temperamental mobile prooved to be a friend I thought I'd lost - not spoken to since befor Jeans birth - firstly she asked why I had dissapeared on her - then told me off about having my phone switched off for three months when she'd had no other contact detials for me - she'd been trying the phone periodically on the off chance that it was still mine but it was always turned off for like a yr - she is a good friend. It just struck a cord that I'd been freting over this very thing I selfishly thought - I lost one but another has found me and then realised that this was a stupid thought.
I am babbling I know.
The intensity I feel for my friends who have died is different - Amber wanted to live, wanted a family, was clinging on and we all thought she was better where as this isnt the case this time - it is an equal shock but I dont knwo how to feel. To her death I attached a Tori Amois song, I think its called Mother. I listern and listerned to it - I dont think it had any real relavence but something about the song connected to the way I felt. This has happened again - this time its the Pink Floyed song about being comftably numb - I dont know what its called.
I hope I havent upset anyone by posting this - I dont really feel I have a write to morn these friends as others knew them better than I and they are not family but I cant help the way I feel.
I recieved news tonight that one of my friends has died - it is thought he took his own life but things are a bit hazy. I will not mention his name for the time being as one of the things he apparently requested was that he didnt want people to know - also there are other friends who should know who have not yet been contacted and it wouldnt be fair on them. Plus I dont know the facts - I am hoping that this is all somehow a hoax - I know that that is unlickely but I am hoping.
Sarah is sad and wishes she had been a better friend - that is all I have to say for now.
Mew!
We left friday - we have only just got back 🙁
He is refusing to come in the house though the other two cats are in and purring like mad things!
Photos of weekend will soon be up - if they are not up soon prod me! Hopefully along with one other party and two weddings.
Quick brief - this weekend saw one party and one perants anniversary - today saw Al in a potentially exciting meeting with Ammericans and megetting fed back on a shot story which I am very very happy about!
We have to get up early to have Jean jabbed in the morning - nine o'clock appointment - shivers at the thought of getting up early after a four days of not enough sleep.
Alaric, Sarah | sarah | 
Thu 2nd Nov 2006 12:19 am | 
Comments (2) 
Subscribe