The Wrong Occasion (by sarah)

The day was bueatiful, golden light and the church was old and gothic and full of inscence swingers and stained glass and the one thought that kept circulating in my head was this is the wrong occassion. When I spoke to Carina afterwards she had had the same thought.

I still could not believe it, could not think him gone untill the coffin came in, and to think that he was inside that tiny box made me panic. Its a cave with no way out I thought, and I looked to the cieling in its archetectrail glory in the hope of aliviating the pain. But I saw his girlfriend, saw the hurt and desperation on her face and I cried the tears that had been buring at me all morning. They streamed down my face as I saw her lip tremble - this was the wrong occation.

She should not have been in that church in black, she should not have had to be crying and it shouldn't have been just Alex there in the middle. my thoughts wondered back to the Sunday when I first saw the email. I had recognised her name though Alex called her Maz, and I thought, I thought they were announcing thier wedding or moving in together or something like that. There was a split second of joy before the crushing blow.

Osmand got up to read a poem first and I cried. Then with thoughts of it being the wrong occassion in my head a hymn from mine and Al's wedding. I was destroyed I shook and cried trying to be silent. I couldn't bear Al to touch me becuase Alex's girlfriend did not have him to comfort her. I sang the last verse to try and bring myself back under control.

I read my piece but was bearly able to fight my emotions. I was crying once more before I left the podium and I felt a vague worry that being me and clumsy I would knock the coffin off of the stand. As more and more people read their pieces I saw how much Alex had helped and touched so many lives. I don't think I ever thanked him for his friendship and that hurt so much.

I wanted him to come back and the more I thought about it the more I begain to imagine him bursting out of the coffin splintering wood and scaring everyone and then doing his shy half smile, cheeky and sinser. I fought hysterical laughter and cried harder.

I looked to the stone of the building as I always have and I thought that the stone, the building faced with so much sorrow must remember him and the impression we each carried for ALex would be cuaght in the building's essence.

I thought a mirade of crazy thoughts but mainly I thought, 'Oh god this can't be happening.' I screamed to Alex inside and it hurt.

Outside his scouts held a guard of honour and this rentched me even more. We left to go to the little village church where he would be buried.

And there at his graveside I finially spoke to his perants. His mother who I had heard about (mainly due to a cross over in hat taste) and his father. I could brarely speak to his father. It was like looking at a grown-up Alex with iron hair. I couldn't take it and had to leave the conversation half spoken. This wasn't how we where supposed to meet.

Again the bueaty of the day played upon me and his father commented about the contrast of it with the day he died, I pointed out that he'd love the view. but I looked at the coffin - it seemed so small and insergnifigant somehow. And the red clay with white chunks of stone making up the perfect rectangular whole and I thought, 'he'll forever be caving,' and I fought the tears once more - I thought he would somehow become the bones of the Cotswolds he loved.

We went back to the club where there was food and pictures of Alex and sat with the other Geologists - I had felt guilty as we had left for the internment and had recieved phone calls from other lost geologists and I didn't know how to direct them very well.

I finially managed to talk to his girlfriend and she told me how he'd always said how he wanted us to meet. Again the thoughts - this is all wrong its the wrong occation. I feel a sorrow deep inside of the friendship that has been stolen. As I think Alex would have settled near Cheltenham and we could have mixed as families and Alaric was supposed to start going climbing with him here and stuff like that. I feel a big bit of our future has slid into nothing.

However, I do feel a calm after the funeral but the pain is still there I just sort of see it differntly. Carina said she was glad it was a nice day as when its raining and their a funeral people say the heavens are sad. Selfishly I thought I would rather they where sad becuase Alex had escaped them.

Alex’s Funeral (by sarah)

Such a buetiful day, and I am panicking, panicking about how I look and what to say and weather I am good enough to read at his funeral. I feel like I have to look nice to show what a nice person he is. I know that makes no scense but that is how I feel.

Carina spent last night here which is good because I am cracking up and being angry at Al for not having a clean suit but then thats my fualt as his suit needed cleaning on the Sunday we found out about Alex but I have done no house work no laundry no living since I found out.

I am hoping that today is going to give me some sort of rest from this ache. this hole that burns its way into every concous thought.

Such a buatiful day - this just can't be right, this can't be happening I must be dreaming a bad dream - please let it be a bad dream.

Pounced (by sarah)

I went to my last scout meeting of this term last night - it was the family fun day and AGM. The commitee said they where organising it all. We arrived and the first thing that gets said to me is - have I organised cover for myself - well yes.

The second was - am I still ok to do a presintation. still? erm.... this was the first I had heard about it, apparently I was supposed to have a five minute presentation about the stuff I'd been doing with the Scouts. Then I ended stranded on the travers wall with what seemed like hundreds of beavers who werent really big enough. Alaric was off doing a blind trail.

Then I ended up leading/being the only one doing the campfire songs aswell - with kids who didn't seem to know any songs :/ Still the kids seemed to enjoy it but I felt a bit drained afterwards. Scout stuff is being a bit difficult for me at the moment and all I keep thinking about is Alex meaning that anything scout realated makes me want to cry.

Three Funerals in a Week (by sarah)

This coming week I shall have three funerals to attend - that will make four so far this month.

They are - Gladys who was a lovely bubbly ninety year old who used to deliver the post in the village - she has a leap named after her where she used to jump across the stream. She delivered the post quicker than they can in the vans and was always on time and in all weathers. She recognised Alaric as being Lionel's and told us how he used to deliver the christmas post with her. She was always ambling slowely to the village pub for lunch and/or to the village church, she was lovely and interesting to talk too.

Gorden who has been sick for a long time with lukemia and hip and heart problems but he did seem to be doing ok and had not long returned my superbikes book before being taken intohospital. Up until this year he roasted the deer for the village feast and was always taking off bits of wooden furniture from here to fix for us becuase he liked doing that sort of thing. He'd not long found his freedom again with a mobility scooter and last I saw him he'd been trundling across the common taking the dogs for a walk.

Then there is Alex, his is on Friday we have had to wait for his body to be released - this one is hurting so much and I can't bare the wait for it nor do I want it to be taking place but it must and maybe then I'll be able to face the fact that he is actually gone.

I Miss Geeks (by sarah)

Yesturday we went to my Friend Andrews birthday party. I went along before Alaric did as he wanted to mow some of the lawn here. I'm not really focusing on much at the moment with the Alex stuff going on resulting in me telling Ella that I had left her wash bag at our place (she'd forgotten it the day before) and getting someone to txt Al to ask him to bring it, only to discover that I had actually packed it :/.

We had lunch in a lovely mediterean place where I had the most gorgous chocolate fudge cake I think I have ever tasted - I also think I went up about three dress sizes just from sniffing it! I saw people I hadn't seen since before our wedding! I had in short a great time.

Again they where all Imperial geeks (when I say Imperial I mean they went to Imperial College with me). There were mathermaticians, computer peeps, a physicist, a chemist and a geologists. Of course they all do programming now but wow! Conversations that you can really get your teeth into! And when asked what I am currently up to and saying making Websites had them nodding and saying 'haven't we all' rather than people looking at me like I am a hydra!

We played a game called Illuminarti which was about conspiracy theories and was really funny though didnt really work with the number of people playing and every one was mean to poor Ella (bar me) - ganging up on her to remove her prematurally from the game.

Andrew put on the most amazing spread of food for the fondues he did! He did one with boiling oil that had two types of red meat and samon to dunk, there was freash bread to dunk in the supurb cheese fondue. There was also a tomato bread to dunk.

He then did two chocolate fondues - one white chocolate which I had never had, the other dark. There was water melon, strawberries, orange, bannana, apple (though this was with the cheese fondue as well) and other sundry fruits to dunk! I was in heaven - even Alaric managed to enjoy this chocolate fondue and as he doesn't eat chocolate that is some feat!

We left well after midnight and I was back there today for lunch - first though we went to the park to look at the animals - there are chipmonks in Cheltenham! I never knew! I just have to take Jean there at some point. I think I went a bit too gooey over the animals.

We had another fantastic meal and I bugged everyone for sponsorship but more on that later.

I've had a great weekend, though I have been a bit of a wet blanket and people have been very tolerent especially Ella who I told off for no good reason :/ its that being around a three year thing. The sadness was there though, and I wanted to run away from Andrew at some points becuase he is an old uni friend here near me, who is showing me stuff around the place - this is what Alex was doing and I would have introduced them at some point. It just felt like tempting fate - I knwo it is silly its just how I feel.