The role of the father in pregnancy and childbirth is often misunderstood. It's easy to imagine that we have it easy - the conception is a hard six hours' work, sure, and then after nine months you have an extra mouth to feed; but nothing compared to pregnancy and childbirth, right?
But there's a little more to it than that.
The thing I've found hardest, to be honest, is feeling powerless. I can carry Sarah's bags, and help her get in and out of the car, and so on, but I have to just stand there looking awkward as she winces in pain at every step. It was at its worst in the delivery room, when Jean was being born; I had been keeping myself going with Optimism and Enthusiasm as Sarah's condition declined and the number of tubes and wires connected to her rose, right up to the point when the medical stuff had a worried conversation with each other and started bringing in extra trollies full of equipment. The sight of the "crash cart" laden with defibrillator and its breathing-bag thing with a set of individually wrapped sterile airways, and a cart with surgical instruments, finally brought it home that they were seriously concerned that Sarah's heart would fail under the strain. They told me that if she died, they would try and save the baby. And all I could do was stand and wait and try not to get in the way.
Once Jean was out, it was great - I could hold her, and change nappies, and take the strain off of Sarah whiled looking after her recovery. That was far easier than just having to stand and watch.
Tomorrow at 8am we have to report to the hospital, where Jean's sibling will be extracted by planned Caesarian section. Again, I'm feeling the powerlessness... I'm rushing around getting everything ready, and making Sarah a nice meal of whatever she wants before she has to go on Nil By Mouth in preparation for the surgery, and laying out everything needed for Sarah's parents to look after Jean; ticking the last things off of lists, checking and cross-checking preparations. I'm surrounding myself in hyperactivity, because I know there's not actually all that much more I can do that will actually make a difference.
I have spent this month working on The Little Book of New Baby Poetry - this is a series of poems and songs - some of them are from when Jeany was little and some I've made up specifically for this. It is for Jean it covers everything from Mummy's morning sickness to nappy changing, to boring babies who none the less grow into good friends for older sisters.
I wrote most of the poems at the beginning of the month and have been working on the illustrations for the rest of the month - today Al helped me put it all together - and turn it into a PDF. He then went and got it printed in colour for me at a place called Paper Box in Cheltenham 🙂
I have a bag full of stickers and one of the pages is for Jean's thoughts and poems. Jean loves the Little Books of poetry that I have made her in the past - this is the most 'complete' one and has cost the most! Both in time and money 🙂 I may put the rest of the illustrations up but I need to wash hair and make sure all is packed for tomorrow! I have pre-meds to take at 6 in the morning but hopefully by tomorrow lunch time we will be a family of four 🙂 I plan to give Jean the book and stickers when she comes to see me and the baby tomorrow afternoon!
Here are some photos of the 'book'.
This is the other poem - tomorrow I have my pre-opp - Friday I get my baby and then the pain will matter less.
Glass Bones
A glass pelvis
Loose at the seams
My own pain apocolypse
Drenched in crises
Drowning in agonies
Each step a razor blade
Cutting into the fabric of me
Misalined, broken, bent
A pelvic shard
Shatters in muffled screams
Crying in the night
Fragile
Walking burns
Dwindling the memory
Sensation a shade
Of grey nothing
Dampening thought
Punctured, pierced
By electric blue
Fizzing of the tail bone
A primate with glass bones
Can no longer climb trees
Nor hold onto the top branches
To which they once clung
The fruits of life
Are within those branches
Instead
Sitting Pain
Standing PaiN
Sleeping PAiN
Sensation PAIN
Separeted Pelvis
Pubis synthesises
Gurdle stretched and broke
Aches and daggers
Dragging down
ME
Whinning of the glass rim
I do not drink of this misery
Just listen
Pelvis sing
Glass siren lurring
Monsters of the Id
All nasty qualities
Are distorded within
Coming up to this little ones birth my mind has turned itself inside out with the memories of what happened before with Jean - it keep from overly panicking I have written a couple of poems which make me cry but I think are over all helpful at least to me.
The Fear
Before you were born
The Fear began
Blood marked anxiety
Over your future
Later it grabbed me
By the Lungs
As they injected me
To develop your
So if I died
You could be plucked
Not ready but surviable
Death was a shadow over us
Labour dawned
With complications
A room bristled
With activity
I could say nothing
Just scream
Silently - SAVE MY BABY
Intervention, blood, pain
You were there
And I could speak
Whispering softly
Too Daddy
'Go with the Baby'
His worried eyes boring
Into me
The Fear did not go
They placed you on me
And I sang a grace
'Thankyou'
Thankyou for my
Cone headed, alien-primate
My bueatiful monkey
Ancient and New
In the crib with you
The Fear tingled
As it still does
I check you each night
Even now
As often as I could then
Holding my breath
Checking yours
And as you grow
The Fear
Punctuates my thoughts
The less lickely to choke
The more you run off
Into the world
Of dangers
Fear constricts my mind
But I can not restrain you
Killing out of kindness
Out of Fear
Is still killing
Including the mind death
Stiffling the life
I watch you run
Explore
This is what love
Has wrought me?
This Fear
Fear of loosing you
And yet I would not undo
Would not exchange
The Fear
I would suffer more
For you
My little one
You grow
Grow strong and free
Maybe my fear
Is your blanket
Of protection
Innoculation against
The bad places?
I hope so
What else are
Parents for?
Alaric finially got me some bathroom scales yesturday - I weigh in at 15 stone. This is a stone lighter than I was just before having Jeany even though I started this pregnancy about 3 stone heavier than I was at the beginning of Jean's.
I am really happy about this as double my weight was not pleasant and I was petrified of doing the same with this pregnancy and starting out that much heavier it really would have been a health disastor. Of course I did loose weight at the beginning of the pregnancy with the whole 'food posioning' business but I have also I have been eating me and Alaric food and not the hospital food. I have also not been bed ridden and though can't walk far can still walk some and of course I have tablets and blood testing kit to keep the gestational diebetes under control. All so very very different from Jeany's pregnancy.
I have a birth plan as well - this involves saying yes to vit K injections and saying I want to breast feed. I found out that breast feeding is good for me as well as the baby from the midwife. I knew it helped with weight loss and with baby blues but there are medium and long term benifts too which include stuff like cancer resistance (specifically breast and oviarian which with mum going in for another lumpectomy is a encouraging to know) and the other one is after the menopause it will help me stave off osteoporosis - something I've been meaning to talk to the Dr about now I'm in my 30's anyway! (Again due to family history though I am sure my nan probably breast fed some of her children - nutrition would not have been balanced like it is today plus her teen years were during the second world war).
But I am a weird mix of board and worried and fantic about the house!
Alaric, Sarah | alaric | 
Thu 27th Jan 2011 9:14 pm | 
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