Back to Geology (by sarah)

Today I'm going to London for the first day of my MRes - of course there are still problems with registry but I've been told to ignore all that as a formality though the absesnce of a libary card when they want essays in in about six weeks worries me. The other issue that their does not appear to be any room numbers in the paper work they sent me.

I'm heading off to Highgate first to have lunch with Al and co then its over to UCL to scout things out - they might have completely rebuilt the department whilst I've been away like Imperial did and I actually have no directions.

I am also really really nervous. The ticket machine at Stroud was broken last night when Al tried to get my pre-booked tickets before he headed for London. He's bought the tickets on his card so I have no idea if I'll be able to get them or not 🙁

Also today is going to be a very long day as we drop Jean off at nursery and I have a window of exactly one train to get back and that is the last one from Padington. Ho hum. Still I have some papers to read (as in ones on lunar stuff which is what the lecture is tonight - its with the guy I didn't get the PhD with yonks ago (just before the wedding (look nesting brackets!))) not to mention a fantastic book about research techniques in palaeontology.

Well here goes. I'm also nervous as I missed the begining of term party - it was on Friday and also they had failed to send a time for it.

Jean’s Second Anniversary (by sarah)

The church here in Cranham gives the children presants on the anniversaries of their christianings and today was the chosen day for Jean to recieve her presant. But unusually for Jean she went mega shy and hid in the pew and didn't say anything for the whole service. She got a little board book and becuase they haven't had a children service since the beginning of summer she also got a birthday candle which we have put into the candle stick holder she got last year.

It was a nice day and we walked there and back even if dad did moan the entire way.

The Wrong Occasion (by sarah)

The day was bueatiful, golden light and the church was old and gothic and full of inscence swingers and stained glass and the one thought that kept circulating in my head was this is the wrong occassion. When I spoke to Carina afterwards she had had the same thought.

I still could not believe it, could not think him gone untill the coffin came in, and to think that he was inside that tiny box made me panic. Its a cave with no way out I thought, and I looked to the cieling in its archetectrail glory in the hope of aliviating the pain. But I saw his girlfriend, saw the hurt and desperation on her face and I cried the tears that had been buring at me all morning. They streamed down my face as I saw her lip tremble - this was the wrong occation.

She should not have been in that church in black, she should not have had to be crying and it shouldn't have been just Alex there in the middle. my thoughts wondered back to the Sunday when I first saw the email. I had recognised her name though Alex called her Maz, and I thought, I thought they were announcing thier wedding or moving in together or something like that. There was a split second of joy before the crushing blow.

Osmand got up to read a poem first and I cried. Then with thoughts of it being the wrong occassion in my head a hymn from mine and Al's wedding. I was destroyed I shook and cried trying to be silent. I couldn't bear Al to touch me becuase Alex's girlfriend did not have him to comfort her. I sang the last verse to try and bring myself back under control.

I read my piece but was bearly able to fight my emotions. I was crying once more before I left the podium and I felt a vague worry that being me and clumsy I would knock the coffin off of the stand. As more and more people read their pieces I saw how much Alex had helped and touched so many lives. I don't think I ever thanked him for his friendship and that hurt so much.

I wanted him to come back and the more I thought about it the more I begain to imagine him bursting out of the coffin splintering wood and scaring everyone and then doing his shy half smile, cheeky and sinser. I fought hysterical laughter and cried harder.

I looked to the stone of the building as I always have and I thought that the stone, the building faced with so much sorrow must remember him and the impression we each carried for ALex would be cuaght in the building's essence.

I thought a mirade of crazy thoughts but mainly I thought, 'Oh god this can't be happening.' I screamed to Alex inside and it hurt.

Outside his scouts held a guard of honour and this rentched me even more. We left to go to the little village church where he would be buried.

And there at his graveside I finially spoke to his perants. His mother who I had heard about (mainly due to a cross over in hat taste) and his father. I could brarely speak to his father. It was like looking at a grown-up Alex with iron hair. I couldn't take it and had to leave the conversation half spoken. This wasn't how we where supposed to meet.

Again the bueaty of the day played upon me and his father commented about the contrast of it with the day he died, I pointed out that he'd love the view. but I looked at the coffin - it seemed so small and insergnifigant somehow. And the red clay with white chunks of stone making up the perfect rectangular whole and I thought, 'he'll forever be caving,' and I fought the tears once more - I thought he would somehow become the bones of the Cotswolds he loved.

We went back to the club where there was food and pictures of Alex and sat with the other Geologists - I had felt guilty as we had left for the internment and had recieved phone calls from other lost geologists and I didn't know how to direct them very well.

I finially managed to talk to his girlfriend and she told me how he'd always said how he wanted us to meet. Again the thoughts - this is all wrong its the wrong occation. I feel a sorrow deep inside of the friendship that has been stolen. As I think Alex would have settled near Cheltenham and we could have mixed as families and Alaric was supposed to start going climbing with him here and stuff like that. I feel a big bit of our future has slid into nothing.

However, I do feel a calm after the funeral but the pain is still there I just sort of see it differntly. Carina said she was glad it was a nice day as when its raining and their a funeral people say the heavens are sad. Selfishly I thought I would rather they where sad becuase Alex had escaped them.

Alex’s Funeral (by sarah)

Such a buetiful day, and I am panicking, panicking about how I look and what to say and weather I am good enough to read at his funeral. I feel like I have to look nice to show what a nice person he is. I know that makes no scense but that is how I feel.

Carina spent last night here which is good because I am cracking up and being angry at Al for not having a clean suit but then thats my fualt as his suit needed cleaning on the Sunday we found out about Alex but I have done no house work no laundry no living since I found out.

I am hoping that today is going to give me some sort of rest from this ache. this hole that burns its way into every concous thought.

Such a buatiful day - this just can't be right, this can't be happening I must be dreaming a bad dream - please let it be a bad dream.

Pounced (by sarah)

I went to my last scout meeting of this term last night - it was the family fun day and AGM. The commitee said they where organising it all. We arrived and the first thing that gets said to me is - have I organised cover for myself - well yes.

The second was - am I still ok to do a presintation. still? erm.... this was the first I had heard about it, apparently I was supposed to have a five minute presentation about the stuff I'd been doing with the Scouts. Then I ended stranded on the travers wall with what seemed like hundreds of beavers who werent really big enough. Alaric was off doing a blind trail.

Then I ended up leading/being the only one doing the campfire songs aswell - with kids who didn't seem to know any songs :/ Still the kids seemed to enjoy it but I felt a bit drained afterwards. Scout stuff is being a bit difficult for me at the moment and all I keep thinking about is Alex meaning that anything scout realated makes me want to cry.